currently currantty

2006-04-11T18:04:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

You seemed to say
You seemed to accept me for who I was
You said, “I missed…”
But I never heard what it was
You missed.

You waited,
You listened.
You talked. I heard, but
I didn’t understand
Difference opens up a chasm
That was always there.

You came with me and sat with me
Stayed a little while.
But your many fingers dipped into
Too many wishes
And I
Became stretched too thin.

You left, a part of you stayed
I won’t be afraid to say I missed you
It’s absence that made the heart
Grow further, but fonder,
And reconciliation more difficult.

You said, “Let me help you.”
You said, “Let me give you.”
I said, “You want too much.”
And then you replied,
“It’s expected.”

You came with your heart to mend
To me, to mend.
To your mind, I did.
To mine, I broke it further.

Then you promised to stay true
Was I to hold on to that promise,
Way past its due date?
Do I have a stake before letting go?

And the faraway memory that you are now
Leads me on to no end.

2006-03-06T18:10:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Raha! See how my words influence people! hahaha. Well I actually have nothing much to write and my brain's too dead for me to squeeze anything out at the moment so oh well. Maybe I should try a haiku.

She smiled at the building.
Beige, blue, big, airy, happy
It was home for her.

The river flowed on
Unceasingly, just like the
Love of a parent.

For a place always
Full of sunshine, love and joy
Some longed day and night.

2006-03-05T12:21:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

how much i don't want this to die...

please.

jia, liz . don't let this just wither and dissipate, in some sense this represents our friendship (yes, i know we have much more than a blog to show our friendship) but don't let this just disappear, that's not how we envisioned the future right? so what if we are in different places, let us at least have a semblance of thought, joy, appreciation and love...

we are all presumably veryveryvery busy now, but at least an occassional post? that'll suffice.

thankfully and gratefully i still somewhat know what's going on in your lives now...

jia: thanks for all the lee kong chian trips. we must add more to our record and we'll become fully-fledged NERDS! haaha

liz: I REALLY HOPE SA WILL SEE THE LIGHT AND YOU'LL GET IN... :)))

that's for now...

i'm trying to perform CPR

C urrent currants,

P olka dots,

(please continue)

R ocking'

:/

2006-02-14T19:56:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

missing st margs, the beautiful green and cream walls and building, the red fanned quadtangdral, the people, long-winded but well spoken devotions, friends, 4e3, prefects, choir, teachers, 'green' club, the all-girls environment, the distinctive high-pitched anthem, the bickerings, the school song, the off-tune singing during worship, the laughter, the antics, the tears, all of the moments, the noise, the silence, the day and the night shadows of the structure i call/called my second home, the craziness of it all...

this is a valentine's day tribute ( though i don't really believe the all sheebang :p)

i <3

family (of course!)
st margs
4e3'05, 3e3'04, 2e2'03, 1e5'02
sm choir
smpb
currants! :)
those rich and famous girls
the people who left for aussieland! :(

YOU.

this was written in boredom during school...

Little did we know
O' what trouble befalls us
Valentine's day is
Exorbitant.

or

Very
Astronomical
Love in terms of
English pounds
No more
Taxis
In the
Next
Eight Months.

or

Love's not red roses,
nor creamy chocolates.
Love's not Hershley kisses,
nor sweet pink cards.
Love's not you
nor me.
Love's not about us,
love's about the
endorphins,
hormones,
chemical reactions
Insane commitment,
the Crazy, Weird, Stupid
decision, pact, agreement
we made between us.

2006-01-20T15:59:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Well , since Michelle the terrible girl has been forcing me to post again, here's something for your reading pleasure. But since today's a Friday and I'm in a good mood, you get a double bonus! So within ONE post, you get TWO poems! Wow! Two for the price of ONE!(okay I'm high. dammit.) Well, so here goes.(Note: Do not read too much into the poems. They are just random poems about random people in the hellhole.)

[This one has no title]
Soft feminine lips parted
With great satisfaction
Lined eyes accompanied,
Mascared eyelashes.

Lashes battering slightly,
Head tilted thoughtfully,
Yet playful in an unusual way.

The teacher nodded, deep in thought,
Displeased with the answer given.
The imparter of knowledge then stood up,
To correct the misjudgement.
Each word pronouced, articulated,
While hands were held gently together.

Feeling accomplished after explaining,
Jake returned to his seat and gazed,
Tenderly, at his new class.

My Selina(the title's JUST for you labbie! haha)
(NOTE:TAKE THIS WITH A PINCH OF SALT!)
Hair curled like instant noodles,
Sad results of a child's doodles.
Eyes like quail eggs,
They made your stomach ache,
It was suspected she had a beak.

Frame like a child,
Undernourished and thin,
Her bones where what stretched her skin.
Yet her voice like thunder,
Echoed the room,
Despite the mocking it drew.

The rebuts that came, were
Cold and harsh,
Reflecting what she was inside.
Looks were decieving,
But were names too?
Why this bitterness?
My Selina.

2006-01-14T10:22:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

school.

for once, i shall not post poems or such because i want to share interesting nuggets from the Theory of Knowledge/ epistemology lectures i have been receiving the past few days which benefitted me greatly despite the fact that the auditorium was somewhat a human freezer! :P

questions like:

is there a god?

is there free will?

is there right or wrong?

what is thinking?

is the brain and mind separate?

we were also given issues to judge whether what should or shouldn't be done. (e.g. to torture an innocent wife of a mad bomber to divulge where the bombs were hidden?)

anyway what really struck me the most was the lecture given by this professor from nus's english/literature faculty.

she said that the difference between people who take science and arts/humanities was that

the science people wanted the world to be factual, absolute and certain ( till one scientific theory or discovery debunks the former)
whereas the others (humans/arts) could deal with the world being everchanging, ambiguous and indefinite.

so you see, the perception of the world in these two spheres differ greatly. i was greatly comforted by her speech because i was still in the middle of wondering whether i am more 'science' or 'humans'. (though i chose a humans based course of study --- lit, history, econs, maths) so when she said that, i felt that she managed to arrange my jumbled thoughts and ideas in a logical manner and without hesitation, i knew at that juncture that i wanted/could deal with an ambiguous and uncertain world because i could never take things at face value.

the tests that i took during the course on skepticism also convinced me more.

it asked questions like:

Doctors really know the causes of diseases?

There's an objective difference between right and wrong?

Morals are just made up by societies to make people behave in convenient ways?

anyhow, if you are still wavering between arts and science, just ask yourself this question:

CAN I DEAL WITH AN UNCERTAIN AND AMBIGUOUS WORLD where there are grey areas and little black and white ones

OR WOULD I RATHER HAVE A FIRMLY EMBEDDED VIEW OF THE WORLD WHERE MOST THINGS ARE CERTAIN?

you will have your answer.

2006-01-14T00:44:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Memory.
She fumbled around
Searching, looking, trying.
She remembered just minutes ago
Yet now she was lost.

In the cold bitter winter,
Of her mudane normal life,
It came like a thief creeping,
In the dark loveless night.
He stole, killed and destroyed,
What memories she once had.
Now they were nearly gone,
An empty shell was left.

Rocking in her favourite chair,
She combed her snowy hair.
Recalling the glorious days,
Where her children pleased her in their ways.
These things she remembered and held dear
Now where were her keys?
She pondered and peered
As Alzheimer pointed, laughed and jeered.

Really Sze and Jia, you guys should pay me for every post I write! Then it would be an incentive for me to post more often right? heh heh. (:

2006-01-11T20:45:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

unreachable

he's beautiful
so whole, so perfect
so untouchable.
he makes them squeal with desire/laughter
so unknowingly.

uncannily
i've found his perfection
too much to bear.
painfully unaware
he walks off
a solitary figure so surrounded.

Szemin hasn't been posting, and I'd like to know why!!

2006-01-02T09:40:00.000+08:00

thinking of...

so tomorrow we will go our separate ways

for you

faded letters litter my desk,
the ink on it has ran.
perhaps as you have,
away from everything.

faces fuzz around the edges
of my mind.
your face,
it's nondescript.
nothing for me to remember.

the feelings,
you always told me
that's what mattered.
but i feel i can't anymore.
or maybe i can't bring myself to.

you left me.
so now as i tear up those letters,
it is time for me
to leave you too.

new blog: http://des-roses-jaunes.blogspot.com

2005-12-28T14:04:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Memory I

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder
It causes dieheart.
All I have now are wisps of memory
Few and far between.

Hanging up fantasy rendezvous
Reshelving volumes of contemned love/lies
Faces. They all resemble you
Your rememberance dusted off my mind.

I should take down your photo
But I can't, not just yet,
Even though I know there's nothing there.

Memory II

Invisible cord that
Weaves through the world,
Binding us in memory
And in heart.
We don't easily forget,
Relinquishing the epitome of
Insecurity.
Memory holds us strong
Together, past
International boundaries,
The breeze telling me
I'm not forgotten.
Neither are you.

2005-12-17T17:05:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Gone

Things seemed big
when I was small.

Gone were the days
of wonderment.
The twirling tutus enticing
me to dance.

Gone were the dreams
of meeting my Prince Charming.
The glass shoe, the pumpkin carriage...
All no more!

Gone were the delusion
of being children forever.
Thumbelina, Pinocchio, me
We have to grow up one day.

When I was small,
Things seemed big.

went to watch The Nutcracker yesterday.. the magical feeling of it diminished over the years.. somehow it's no longer the dance that brings back the memories but the music. tastes change.

2005-12-13T23:25:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Hope

It seemed that no matter where I went, all I saw were dead mutilated bodies rotting in the hot tropical sun with flies swarming around. Quickly, I said a short prayer for these lifeless bodies before hurrying off. The soldiers catching up and if they caught me, my fate would not be unlike these bodies on the ground. Morbidly, the idea seemed inviting for a moment since that would mean the end of my troubles. But for his sake, I had to live on.

Just five short months ago, I was a doctor back in New York, trotting around in Manolos and zipping around in my Porsche. You could say I had everything. Great career, great house, an even greater husband. Everything seemed to sail smoothly. But a call from Medicines San Frontiers(MSF) changed it all. Pierre and I had joined this voluntary organisation which provided medical help to the needy in Third World countries.

When we first arrived in Sudan, it was just like walking into an NGC documentary. But now, instead of seeing things on a glass screen, we were experiencing it for ourselves. The people were extremely friendly and it their eyes we saw something that we had never seen on NGC, hope. To them, we brough hope of a better life. One without the illnesses and diseases that plauged them. But very suddenly, war broke out. There was chaos everywhere. The MSF base got destroyed and we were left stranded. Right in the middle of Africa. Thankfully, a military base nearby agreed to fly us out provided we managed to leave the area MSF was based, since it was now controlled by the rebel forces.

This was no easy task. From the very beginning, the rebel troops had been on our backs to keep us from escaping as they had no other medical help in the area. During a particularly violent gun battle two weeks ago, Pierre was capture. At that moment, my entire world came crashing down. I could never imagine myself being a widow at 27. Maybe at 72, but not now. However, my experience as a doctor taught me well. I could not wallow in self-pity. I HAD to get help in some way before the troops caught up with me.

Two long weeks have past and I was losing hope of ever seeing New York, or ever Pierre again. The line between hope and despair grew thinner with each passing day. The irony of it all, from being someone who brought hope to the locals, they, after finding out about my plight, had to encourage me. "Have hope", they constantly told me, "God has His ways of making things happen." But what was hope? And God? After all that had happened, I was starting to think maybe these were just things made up by people who could not accept reality. What I never thought was, maybe these were just things that I have forgotten about. Everyday became a battle of emotions as I tried to grapple with reality yet feel hope whenever I saw the Tiffany band on my ring finger. Engraved on it was our committment to each other, "Till death do us part."

Lost in my own musings, I did not see a man walking towards me wearing a similar band on the same finger. Being oblivious, I also did not realised that the shadow I was staring at on the ground was one I was familar with. My unobservance made me not see that look in the eyes I had fell in love with yet nearly forgotten: hope.

2005-12-13T17:37:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

the hols!

i'm bored.. haha

thankfully, i have going to have the TALK with Jia this Sat, finally something to stimulate those grey cells! :)

hmms, should i do some preparation or should i go totally unprepared and let jia evangelise the spirits out of me... haaa :)

just completed reading/scanning through Memoirs of A Geisha...

I must say the ending is so 'classic love story' esque. But i like it. :P

been re-reading parts of sophie's world and a book on ancient philosophers. heavy reading but nonetheless very mind provoking.. it's like you read a paragraph or a sentence and you need to pause to allow the entirety of it to sink... still it's so cool! haha, okay i know that this isn't exactly what 'cool' people will call the cutting edge of 'cool' but by any means, it's much 'cooler' to ponder life than live it without even bothering to understand it...

2005-12-11T16:51:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Reading: The River by Tricia Wastvedt

Robert unlocked the workshop and switched on the light. It was just after four in the morning. The machinery and tools looked strange lit up unexpectedly. He stood with his hand on the switch. For an instant he thought he'd seen a flicker of movement. The thought was gone almost before he could name it. It was as if the light went on a millisecond before everything froze - something vanished or hid from him in the same breath as he saw it. He knew this feeling. It was one of those echoes of childhood that surface in the early hours when the sense are raw and stripped of their insulating logic. There is a certainty that things have secret lives on their own, and for a second the mind is caught in the balance, hanging between terror and longing. The eyes might be saved from a nightmare - or only just miss seeing magic.

2005-12-07T22:30:00.001+08:00

thinking of....

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

we are priceless! :)

note the pun :P

well, i thought perhaps it's about time to post a poem after so long...

earth’s psychedelic lollipop

Grey melded, iron bolted jail
Bright yellow streak---danger!
Keys, locks, jingle, jangle
Clanging noise of entrappment.

Swirls of cotton candy,
White and delectably pouffy.
Golden shaft of luminence,
Glowing upon a path of hope.

Let there be dark,
Let there be light.

Let there be day,
Let there be night.

Let there be noise.
Let there be silence.

An overturned bowl of heaven.

i just love the blue sky out of my window.

2005-12-04T11:50:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

work!

i'm enjoying the work shadowing attachment i have so far ( 1 more day left) :(

it's at a law firm and i have been to all the courts : family, subordinate, supreme.

this must be the most enriching and fufilling work attachment i have ever got. haha, though we (steph wee and i) have mini lessons each day on legal work everyday, it's interesting! i don't think there's any better way to know what lawyers do this way and also learn so many legal terms and agreements. [fyi: under the infant (minors under 18 or 21 years old) contract law,, we are not held liable but agreements we sign provided they are not neccesaries (ie: food, housing etc.) . the law's protecting us! :)]

well, that's all. jia and liz are both off to church camps so they will be m.i.a. for awhile. hope they have loads of fun! :P

toodles~

2005-11-27T17:27:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

sec 1 '02

feeling so nostalgic now after my mum decided to watch this vcd showing our sec 1 orientation programme...

do you know how tiny, childish, cute, adorable, sweet, not to mention innocent :p, we were?

then tomorrow we will perhaps see ourselves dress up to nines, make-up, gowns, accessories to deck...

we would have all grown in some way or another.

tomorrow, perhaps behind the caked up cosmetics, the dangly earrings, the shiny, silky dress, there will still be us from 2002 till today.

tomorrow, perhaps it will not only be a prom, it will be a genuine celebration of being together these 4 years.

tomorrow, perhaps it will be recognition (not in terms of prom queen :P) amongst us and our teachers.

perhaps...

tomorrow, will be the last day we still remain as smss's students.

i don't want tomorrow to come

2005-11-25T21:26:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

First week of work is over. I think I've been giving myself excuses not to write here or anywhere else for that matter, not to pen down the many thoughts (that have sometimes comes in torrents) and keep them for a later date. I simply dismiss them and let them fly into the outer realms of the sky, banging into the ultra-high skyscrapers of the CBD at the meantime...

... Even now, I'm procrastinating drilling a hole into my skull and letting the thoughts pour out by blog-hopping ...

I am honestly not really enjoying work. Basically because of the long hours and the helplessness we feel at times because of the enormity of things they thrust on us to do. So let me take this chance to shoutout to Yuwen (who I know has linked us) that I REALLY WOULDN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU!!!! I really appreciate the way we can get stressed out in the little suffocating cubicle or downstairs in the Disco Room griping over this artefact that pot this puppet that box but once we get out, you're my laughing pill, all the way home.

I suppose it could be considered a bad choice to take up work attachment just the week after os, especially when it's a two week stint and even more especially when it's at a very educational and student-focused place such as ACM. The kind of projects and responsibility they give us probably way surpasses what people our age would get from other museums or companies; they treat us like one of their own, giving us access to just about everything. I wish I would treasure it a little more, take a little more initiative and gain a little more awareness, but...

Something in this kooky little head of mine is not working. It's not connected. I'm not aware of what's happening already, sometimes I'm listening to myself talk and I'm wondering, who is this person talking? Why does she sound the way she does?

... I can't even finish this entry ...

2005-11-24T20:11:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

random things.

1. do you know how many similarities there are in junior colleges's vision and mission?

yesterday night was hilarious because i was reading aloud all the jcs's vision and mission to my dad while we were flipping through the booklet for pae and we realised so many similarities. some of them even have the exact same phrase! anyway there was so many 'world leaders', 'leaders in their chosen path', 'serve with honour'.. yeah, honour comes up a whole lot. hehe, reminds me who talks about honour nowadays, it's gone along with chivalry... :P
now if there are so many leaders, who are the followers?

2. why does the national broadcasting station have to pinpoint the fact that this year's PSLE top scorer is a Malay. i don't hear ," This year, a Chinese student tops PSLE" whenever a Chinese does top PSLE. but i keep on hearing, " this year's top PSLE scorer is a Malay student". Man, what happened multi-racialism? to maintain peace shouldn't the system stop pinponting or emphasizing the differences between different races and religion. this is a small matter but for a small nation like us, it's still something to note. :

3. harry potter and the gof is nice. much nicer than poa. i hated poa so much. i mean a CGI-animated werewolf?! what was that? is it so difficult to get a tame dog or wolf to do the job? hmms, we all know hairy(i mean harry :P) got a little uglier. it's puberty and the hormones and i fully agree with tay yeak keak(life columnist, i love his satirical commentaries!) that potty is sure starting to look like the western Bae Yong Joon. :/ Katie Leung who acts as Cho Chang on the other hand has such a weird accent. she claims it's scottish but liz, loui, my bro and i beg to differ, it sounds like a mix between canto/honkie english and filipina english. it got so bad that my bro actually mimicked her in the middle of the movie when she appeared saying, "May i have some pumpkin pasties?" and my dearest bro interuppted by saying, "Sir, Mum, you want sum pumkin pasties?" of course, they had to do the indian accent when parvati and padma patil came out so i was stuck in the middle of bangladesh for awhile. :P

that's all for today. no one's writing except me! *pouts*

toodles!

2005-11-23T16:38:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Yearning ... for LOVE?

Hug, Kiss, Embrace
what a novel way of expression.

To wish to rest your head
upon his shoulder.
To entwine both
your fingers
during a simple walk.

To bury your head
in the comforting scent of his freshly ironed shirts.
To hear his
oh so!
deep and throaty laughs.

To glimpse
a bouquet of roses
lying on the parapet,
him grinning bashfully,
denying.

To perhaps,
brush a tousled lock of hair
from his
oh so!
dreamy eyes.

To observe his sleeping form
in the wee hours of
night/morning.
A fluttery sensation
trickles to your belly.

To let your heart
be touched once more.
oh so!
is that love?
Likely to be romanticised versions of
infatuation.

2005-11-18T21:21:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

the o's are over but i kind of feel sad because there's a note of finality, a closure to the lighthearted days of foolery in st margs :/

never mind.

i make a list of the things to do! (jia and liz, you can do that too! trust me it's immensely fufilling! :p)

shop at KL!
buy books/ borrow books
go shopping with cassie for her prom dress
chat/gossip/ spend time with cass and ally :)
have that BIG talk with jia
go lunch with liz and bro at sakae?
hairy harry potty potter!
re-read the entire harry potter series
re-read sophie's world
go for work attachment at law firm!
go for PROM! :)
go for chorale concert with dad
go for ballet concert (The Nutcracker) with ballet friends on dec 16
go visit the ballet folks at fort canning
start my crazy exercise regimen with bro
go swimming/wallowing in water like a seal
invite cassie and ally over
catch up sheryl!
catch up with anchi!
start on THE long-awaited diet (haha)
tidy my shelves, room
consider the possibility of re-designing it
READ READ READ READ! ( what can i say. books just rock :) )
appreciate the tranquility and life without stress for a moment...

2005-11-08T18:29:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Nothing much actually. But since English is tomorrow, a prose just for the fun of it. Untitled as usual. Suggestions for the title please!(:

All her life, Tan had only one wish: to strike it rich and crawl out of the hole of poverty she was stuck in. Yet she did not believe in working hard. Instead, she immersed herself in gambling. All day long, she did nothing but buy lottery, visit gambling dens and would look out for what she deemed "lucky numbers" to bet on. This way, the money she earned each month working as a domestic servant in my house was quickly spent by the middle of the month and she would be broke.

It did not matter had she no one to support, but she did. Her aged mother often has to go hungry because the little money she earned recycling cardboard and working as a cleaner in a coffeeshop went to paying off the gambling debts Tan would have incurred. As her employer and family friend, I often advise her to turn over a new leaf but everytime I brought the matter up, Tan would sob and beat her chest, exclaiming what an unfilial daughter she had been and promising to change her gambling habits. However, she reverted to her old ways the very next day. I was caught in a dilema, many a times, I wanted to fire her, in fear that one day, out of desperation, she may turn to stealing my things! Yet I could not. Her late father and mine were best friends. They had both sailed to Singapore together on the same boat and had gone through thick and thin together. At times like this, I just wished bloody wasn't thicker than water.

Recently, she even seemed to have changed for the worse! Just two days ago, I caught her trying to weigh the family cat, an aggressive spiteful creature, on the kitchen scales while meticulously taking down the readings on a piece of paper! When I reprimanded her, she excitedly said, "My wish is coming true soon! Just the other day, my dead husband came to me in a dream and said I would strike the lottery soon!" I sighed inwardly.

Two days after the incident, there was a storm. It was the monsoon season and it was a day when the monsoon drains would overflow again, resulting in heavy floods. It also happened to be a Sunday, a day where there would be a lottery draw in the evening. Tan had been waiting all day for an accident to occur so she could take down the numbers for the lottery. At 4 in the aftersoon, we heard a loud bang come from the road outside. Tan was the first one to rush out of the house.

By the time the rest of us arrived at the scene of the accident, a small crowd had already formed. I immediately recognised the car, SBX 3842Y. It was my neighbour's BMW. Then, I saw the sight that made me sick to my stomach. Tan was squatting beside the victim wimpering,"Sorry mother, don't blame me. It's for your own good. I'll buy you a bug coffin and you will have a grand funeral! Just let me copy down the numbers."

That night, the number 3842 won the top prize in the lottery.

2005-11-01T13:55:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

101th post!

:)

Controversial
Uber!
Ruminations
Reminicise
Elegant
Nonchalant
Tranquil

Creative
Unyielding
Receptive
Rational
Astute
Nonpareil
Thinkers
Sophistry

this is so childish :P

2005-10-29T19:33:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

how grateful i'm to have all my friends! :)

even though i knew some of them forgot, i didn't really mind. because it's the impending o's after all. exam stress is bound to get to the head. :) moreover, i did not give them any hint whatsoever. i'm so NOT egositic! hehe

well, this is mainly a reply to laura's wordy comment/ essay actually. (ps: I like this sentence, " The problem is, we are too vain to see ourselves living one life and dying one death, hence we turn to religion.")

But i also incorporated some of the ideas that sprouted from me after reading her immensely interesting and thougt-provoking entry...

(those in italics are her words)

On the point of your 'which came first? The chicken or the egg?'-esque query on whether the belief of God arose first, or the non-belief in God... Well, wouldn't the idea of God have to exist before it can be rejected?

Oh! My mistake! I phrased it wrongly.

I actually meant it as are we born with an inner knowledge and awareness of the presence of God or did we have to come under influences to conceive such an idea of ‘God’. Therefore the statement of whether God came first or non-God, rephrasing it would be was the idea of God natural occurring or was it human induced?

I disagree that worship was created by man. If there is a God, then worship would be how he/she dictated or passed instructions to his/her followers, from the birth of religion. Much like the Ten commandments?

Somehow I disagree. You see, the practice or process of worship does not have to be dictated by God. Technically, any practice or worship can be made up/ formed by humans. One simple example; how come religions have a common place of congregation. The mosque, the church, the temple, don’t you see a repetition of ideas, the concept of kneeling down to pray in almost every religion… you have the crucifix, you have the ‘hu sheng fu’ (literally: protection charm). You have the blessed food for Taoists and Buddhists and you have the holy water and bread for Catholics. All this examples are present. Of course, one might argue that it is that deemed as evidence that one God lives since all religions still have their common grounds and practices. But why not look at it in this manner, these similar practices are perpetuated in most religions in one way or another merely because humans are alike in some points or another despite different backgrounds. In order to support this point, I would like to state that drawings found on caves walls by primitives and the 'gods'/'symbols' primitives worshipped were similar, eg. the fire, the sun, things to do with nature. Even though these caves were scattered around places that were so far apart that it was inconceivable for the primitives to communicate, the drawings were similar in nature. Thus showing that human perspective and traits at the most basic level are the same.

Then if that's the case, why not religion?

The last thing I want to say on this subject is, I bet all of you realize that the basic principles governing any religion are around the same themes. Loving others, attaining internal peace, to commit no sin, to seek forgiveness and enlightenment… it goes on and on. Also you realize the concept revolves around how to be a good person, teaching us morals and nuggets of wisdom.

Now I ask you why?

After all what religion seems to promote is how to be a ‘good’ person in human context.

To give you an extreme example, if you were a child and you were not told that dying or killing was a bad thing and you witnessed someone getting shot, you would have probably flinched, but not the sight of death, but at the deafening sound emitted by the gunfire.

When we are born, I believe there is no innate concept of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in us. Instead we are molded by our surroundings and their influence. Take the cannibals, to us they are uncivilized barbarians but to them it is perhaps survival and a natural way of life.

Talking about cannibals/aboriginals/natives, I would like to support my stand again by drawing attention to their practice of worshipping God (their God). They do tribal dances, hold festive ceremonies; this is widespread among these communities. Can you see the trend now? Religion/worship of a God really depends on where you are living, if you are in civilized surroundings, there will probably be a building for you to carry out your worship, a cell to carry out some study regarding the religion. However if you are in a jungle, somewhere in the outback, you dance, whoop and offer sacrifices to God. This difference the manner of worship is directly linked to physical surroundings, thus worship must be man-made.

Just a final query - Is God male or female? And why is God usually portrayed as male? A remnant of prehistoric chauvanism, foisted by males onto the concept of religion? Hmm... ;p

Correct me if I am wrong :)

But wasn’t women the more respected gender in the prehistoric times? After all they were regarded as the ‘bearer of life’ and literally the ‘mother of humanity’.

The gender of God? How about androgynous? :P

Just a query, do you notice the different Gods people worship?

There are countless ‘Gods’ around.

My thoughts: I think there is a God for everyone. After all, the concept of God is perceived differently by everyone so I still ‘God’ as an extension of our so-called ‘soul’.

2005-10-28T23:00:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Rainbows don't colour the sky
Rain does, before the bow comes into play
People don't become friends "by-the-way"
We're friends for a reason.

When we're gray and old
The smiles that once beamed youth
Become smiles that celebrate age
And the years passed as more than friends;

But a confidante;
A fellow sillymaker...
(I imagine us laughing at our enactment of demented twin sisters,
When we're sixty-two.)

You're sixteen.
Numbers don't mean much,
Only how must you've journeyed;
How much more you'll journey.

But oh! Revel in the joy of being young
And when age taps us on the shoulder,
We'll say, "We knew you were there all along."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SZEMIN!

(I'm sorry I couldn't upload the visual, I have no idea how to operate my dad's eMac, and he's taken the laptop on retreat. Haha.)

2005-10-27T17:54:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

my ic.. well you know i lost my wallet a few days ago. today (27/10/05) someone has sent it all the things in my wallet back! minus the money and the wallet itself...

nevertheless i am thankful!

today i shall not argue/rebut/refute. because it is ....

my birthday

and

i

am

so

jubilant

that

i

got

my

stuff

back!

ciao~

2005-10-27T00:07:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Incoherence.

I admit incoherence. Okay, no, I scream incoherence.

But the point is that I don't wish to continue rebutting every paragraph, every sentence, every phrase and word of Szemin's thought process because I'm believing that it is such thought processes that lead somewhere, my prayer it being to God.

I know that Christians face persecution, and I know all Christians struggle with the question, Would I die for my faith? But that's going into another discussion altogether.

I know I may have to admit weakness, but I'd like to profess a childlike faith. Children believe what their parents tell them; but they also believe it for themselves. They believe a toy is fun because they've played with it and experienced the fun for themselves.

That's what my faith is based on. I believe in God because I've encountered God; I've experienced it for myself. Inarticulate I may be, but I believe.

Really sorry I can't keep up with you Sze, I resort to coming online at twelve a.m. Haha.

2005-10-25T22:53:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

the great admiration i have for faithful believers and followers despite having to defend their faith from people like me :)

refuting some points...

Firstly, i didn't want to make it personal, in other words, i am not questioning christianity or any other religion, merely the existence of God and religion. This is due to the secular nature of our society and of course the newly added sedition law. but besides those points, i think ther must only be ONE God. Don't you agree? So I am only arguing on the basis of his/her existence... that's why my stream of thought lacked of biblical references or any particular mention of a specific religion...

secondly, like jia neither do i believe in evolution or all the scientific reasons given so far completely. they are intriguing and at times rather enlightening but as we know science is a burgeoning field, formulas are being made obsolette daily and new ones formed. there is no accurate and correct answer and there may never be. some answers may never be answered fully, there will always be loopholes found even if an answer supported with evidence is given.

but i just want to put across a question, if the existence of God is absolute, how come people, seemingly intelligent people are still questioning his existence? after all, there must be a basis for this too. If the concept of God came about, the concept of 'non-God' or an agnostic view must have stemmed from somewhere. the question is when? did it come before or after...

Another thing, Jia seems to think religion was created before man. well, i think to put it politically correct, God was not created by man. but religion, the worship of god was created by man, isn't that so?

Thirdly, the key: Is life meaningless?

Ask yourself this question.

Students, are the subjects you are doing now irrelevant to a better understanding of life, a better appreciation of life?

Adults, are the work you are doing reflects the whole purpose of your life, is it truly meaningful?

What is meaningful? to oneself? to one's society? to one's spiritual self? to one's 'God'?

As Jia said, "Tell me honestly, if life were meaningless, would there even be life?"

She adamantly states NO! But then again what is life, what is death? they are merely connotations given by human beings who have yet to find out more or perhaps complicate themselves more.

What makes you think that there wouldn't be life if it was without meaning? What gives you the idea that life must be with a meaning? why can't we just be organisms floating about, surviving, repeating the age-old vicious cycle of survival of the fittest? why must we have such a clearly defined purpose?

I completely agree with Jia's point on nothing seems to be eternal.

everything that begins, has an end.

then what makes you think that God is an eternal being? he could have started the universe but faded away later. what makes you so sure he/she/ they still exist and will continue to?

Then pray tell me, what's God's purpose? to create humanity and see us exterminate ourselves, let genocides happen, create more destructive technology, question his existence?

then who created God? who is behind our 'God'? is there another 'God'? is there an endless cycle? then what is his purpose?

is there even a purpose behind everything?

aren't we pawns then?

this thought has just occurred to me. could there be a possibility that we are symbiotic beings? we can't survive without a 'God', inner or outer. similarly, 'god' can't survive without our existence, our continual faith and belief in him/her/them.

I seem to be asking a whole lot of rhetoric questions in this post but i want to end with this statement:

"Humans are too young, too naive to perhaps comprehend everything or comprehend the nothingness of what seems like something. we lack of the necessary wisdom. yet with an inquiring and inquisitive mind, we are at least reassured that one day we may get somewhere closer to the mysteries of life... after all ignorance is bliss"

2005-10-25T18:23:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Making Szemin ecstatic, and violating my permitted hour online. (Haha)

Isn't it great that Szemin came to her own conclusion that she believes, at least she thinks she does?
Yes, and that just totally made me ecstastic :). Reading through the beginnings of her post awed me at the length and extent to which she had gone to think through the existence and purpose of God, no doubt it lacked the biblical references but they were all logical and very deep.
They didn't make you doubt, did they?
No. I feel that my faith is somewhat like what Szemin says, a buoy in times of dire need, but I have had enough experiences to account for a faith larger than that of just dependence on God, but that of reciprocation to the love he's lavished on me. The primary return of that would be compassion. Throughout my Christian faith, I've found compassion swelling in me, sometimes so much so that I feel I can't bear it. Part of that was expressed in getting baptised last Christmas, another part in beginning service in the children's ministry in my church. Yet another was a constant thirst for current affairs, for information on the parts of the world that were in need, suffering, and crying out for God's love. In particular, I have a burden for Africa. Loving children has led me to love the children of Africa, those who suffer the mistakes of the government and their parents, and creates in me such a deep need to help them. In that yearning, I've discovered a greater purpose to life, a larger picture in which I find myself a piece of, instead of focusing on others being pieces of my life.
So why can't you rebut most of the points Szemin makes of people instigating the idea of God?
I'll admit I'm not 100% biblically sound (actually, far from that). But I'd love to sit down with Szemin (as we're going to do, right?) after Os and flip through the bible with her, and rather than lecture her, discover what the bible says about faith together. I think I'm going to need help on that, I may get one of my youth leaders to come along. Is that all right with you, Szemin? (Of course we're not ganging up on you. I figure I'll learn as much as you during the impending conversation.)
What's your faith like?
Sad to say, it started out as a second-generation faith. Many Christians especially the youths are second-generation Christians nowadays. We never have to go through the parental objection that our parents faced from our grandparents when they discovered Jesus and wanted to follow him. Lots of the teachers in St Marg's have testified to this in sharing their personal testimony with us. My testimony is much simpler: even having been in a Christian family has given me the opportunity to be showered with God's love and abundance: I am never in need. Instead of being a second love, the love of God is a real first love to me. I have had experiences since primary five at altar calls, REW at sec 1, church youth camps and personal discoveries on my own walk with Christ through daily devotion and bible studies.
I think I could counter your argument by saying that of course in a Christian setting, you're bound to feel something in a group that is worshipping by means of music and glorifying words. A tingling sensation, a feeling of fulfilment, happiness, fullness, completeness. That's probably the good feeling most young Christians chase after nowadays, rather than the real God.
I've put God in a box before. Squashed the idea of him into a tiny, comprehensible cardboard box to which I can go to store my troubles. But the reality of that is that it's a lie: God is far more than a cardboard box can contain. He's incomprehensible. I'm guilty of thinking God can be a magic wand to wave away all my troubles; after all, isn't that what he wants, for me to throw my burdens onto him? Most people seek to understand God, but I realize that there's no way I'm ever going to understand him.
Szemin says this may all be a conspiracy, a buff to reassure ourselves, that religion is manipulated by man, showing its very man-made essence.
That kinda hurts. Okay wait, that really does hurt. Because the irony of the statement is that religion isn't man-made. Man in the first place was made by God. How could we create something that created us? Don't give me all the scientific reasons as to how life started, how we evolved from monkeys. Why are we really here, if all we do is breathe, eat, move, defecate and die? What's man moving towards? More technology? More skyscrapers? More advanced war equipment that will serve to blow our planet apart and bestow understanding on the entire world population, be it in heaven or hell?
Tell me honestly, if life were meaningless, would there even be life?
My answer to you would be no. NO WAY.

Nothing in this world is eternal. And I mean nothing. Go ahead and try to tell me something in this world will last.

With that truth that nothing lasts and the perception that God does not exist, what's left? A fiery core that makes up the centre of the earth? Gravity? The solar system? Tell me, what do these things mean if none of it lasts? Once a thing ends, there's no more. Perhaps now you can tell me the memory of that things is what remains. But if the one who holds that memory isn't eternal either, he too passes away. So even memory dies.

You could go in circles for forever. You have to eventually come to the conclusion that something is eternal, and that something is the Someone who created everything in the first place. Do you wonder if you're wondering about nothing? I do feel that way now. But I know that it feels this way because my mind is way too small to comprehend the EVERYTHING, which is why all I see is nothing.

Therefore, I believe in God. And I will never stop believing.

2005-10-24T16:47:00.000+08:00

thinking of...

things.

well if you want to know something not so unexpected of me... i lost my wallet along with my ic, ez link, library cards(both my bro's and mine, which he is raising hell for) and money...

arghs! how could i be so careless!

my dad told me this is a lesson to learn from but a lesson 2 days before the o' level chemistry practical?!

thankfully, i still use my passport but then again what a bother!

okay let me drift into a stream of sub-consciousness, join me...

let's see is there a God?
No, i don't believe a God who is so unreasonable and structured, one that measures faith and loyalty in terms of worships and whatever else concocted.
But that's human perception of God, those are still ultimately 'rules' and structures invented by humans to 'complicate' God's existence. Don't you think so?
Actually you do have a point. I am not answering the question. i cannot judge the existence of God by human's portrayal of him. That's utterly absurd.
Now don't you think the concept of God must have originated from somewhere, after all you can't crave chocolate if you haven't tasted it. likewise, you wouldn't automatically pray to God if there wasn't this concept already ingrained into you from the very beginning.
No, the concept of God can be purely human's imagination and wild hope. after all you find many converts turning to God and actually believing only when they are really in dire need, or when they need miracles to happen. it's a blind faith, a blind hope, something to grasp on, to wish upon when they have nothing more left to save them. don't you see, they see as salvation.
But they do get help sometimes, don't they?
Ever heard of concidences?
Anyway after their 'catastrophes' they continue to trust in God and put their faith in him, don't they? Some of the cleverest people believe in God too. Some of the most logical ones and even some scientists.now how can you explain that?
Well, everyone has their highs and lows in life. so why not buy some insurance, just in case there is really a God. after all,the image of God seems to be one of a buoy in the stormy seas of harsh realities. God lends you identity and purpose and self confidence, the things some of us fail to find in our lives and can perhaps only express in the name of God. for these people, they finally have an identity, not one of their own though. but one as a group worshipping God. they might not have purpose in life, after all what's life after death, but what does human-perceived God and religion say? They say that there is life after death and everyone has a divine aim in life. of course, this statement renews hope. it tells me, it tells us that life is not meaningless, we do not just breathe, eat, defecate and die. rotting and decomposing to form fossil fuels in order to continue the cyclic flow of energy on our planet. it prevents some of us from commiting suicide. but can you see behind that facade? isn't it all just a conspiracy and a buff to reassure ourselves? isn't the manipulation of religion (eg. terrorists/israel-palestinian conflict) enough to tell you that only something that 'man-made' can be so easily manipulated? conflicts/wars have resulted due to a difference in ideologies (communism vs democracy) what makes you think that religion is also such a weapon, such a man-conceived notion?
i see.. but putting aside all this, do you believe, do you?
i think i do.. i think i do.. but perhaps it's the human weakling in me, being afraid of facing what's out there without the assurance of a 'backdoor' from suffering? But sometimes when i look at the skies, i can't help but imagine there's a God somewhere out there...maybe.. perhaps we are just pawns in his game...

try this yourself, it's kind of fun. but there's no need to choose such a controversial subject like religion.. :) though i would be ecstatic if jia could try it and reply to this post :)

2005-10-21T21:12:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

the future. today i had a lengthy conversation with some friends regarding what careers we are aiming towards in the near future. only around 5 more years!

and i realised that i seem to be the only one without a real direction. you see, i love books/literature. i also enjoy mathematics most of the time. biology piques my interest especially the human body. i want to know more. i want to immerse myself in the thoughts and knowledge of philsophers-- the ideals of society, the essence of life...

so i have narrowed down these three careers. they sound extremely idealistic. :/

Gynaecologists: I really like babies, but the idea of delivering babies, bringing life to 'life' is overwhelming too. my thinking= at least in this century, i can say gynaes will have the least chance of becoming dispensable and obsolette. after all giving birth is a delicate process and a risky one too despite the recent medical advances...

to get there, you need...

'A'-Level pass in Chemistry and either Biology or Physics

Lawyer/Economics: the idea is you merge them together. add in the knowledge of chinese. TA-DA! you are in a potential position to make big bucks! :) but that's not what entices me. it's the challenge presented in the market. keeping up with trends, acting as a bridge between businnesses.

to get there you need...

Minimum grade of A in 'A'-Level Mathematics and grade B3 or better in General Paper (GP) or a minimum SAT I verbal score of 700 and a C6 in GP

Public Prosecutor/lawyer: the thing is you get to talk a whole lot! i'm joking. but i really like the idea of being on your toes daily, battling with objections, deadlines and appeals. i know the legal profession tends to be glamourised. so if you want the real thrill go for litigation! it does not really matter which side i am on. the innocent or the gulity. you see the main thing is to ensure a fair trial! even the evillest of crooks deserve a hearing before they are sentenced. ever heard of two sides of the story?

to get there you need...

Grade B3 or better in General Paper (GP) or a minimum SAT I verbal score of 700 and a C6 in GP.

and before all the big hoo-ha, there is still the o' levels and the jc's application and subject combinations.

what do i do? any advice for me, people? humanities or science?

* all requirements were taken from NUS's Office of Admissions website.

http://www.nus.edu.sg/oam/apply/prerequisite.htm

2005-10-20T22:51:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Lately, maybe having been unconsciously triggered by Szemin's post of "Daddy's going to heaven", I've been writing more and more about little girls and childhood. Unwittingly, all my childhood memories, fantasies, promises and dreams are flooding back into my mind, reminding me I once had greater aspirations than the ones I hold now, simply to get As in the coming Os.

So as a follow-up to the previous untitled poem, related to a little girl, two more have materialized.
__________________________________

Little girls love to play dress up
And the longing carries us through to adolescence.

Big girls play dress up.
Dress yourself up;
Dress others down.
Shimmy into a skintight gown
And suck in your stomach, pray it doesn't show
Just to show the other big girls;
"Look how pretty I am."
And behind the curtain the gown splits.
___________________________________

The little girl I was
Proclaimed I'd save my grandma
Promised I'd find the magic words
To open her heart to Him.

The little girl in me
Screams denial at my failure
But I have failed
I never even tried.

This little girl is unjustified.

2005-10-20T11:54:00.000+08:00

thinking of...

fragmented glass houses
stilted on bamboo
shards of a broken society

to try to mend,
a futile attempt-
a ragged patchwork blanket
glares back!

cracks
can be glued together

hearts
can't heal

----

2005-10-19T22:28:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Little girl, whose
Innocent, self-righteousness
Saved her brother many a spanking.
Years later, tears
Roll down her cheeks, as she laughs at it

Funy how it didn't seem funny at the time.

Little girl, who
Played monkey-bar catch
And was never caught
Now she can touch the bars
Without jumping, to grasp the cold metal.

Childhood slips away from me.

2005-10-14T15:46:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

the last day of school which was yesterday..

just read jia's entry and i thought i'll share my feelings too.

truthfully, i didn't feel good at all. despite all the laughing and smiling and posing for pictures. i think i was kind of bordering ecstatic hysterics. some of my classmates remarked and even ms ho said that i wasn't myself.

it started all the way at 3.45am on my comfy matress. i suddenly woke up and stared at the ceiling, trying to recall my first day, my first moments in st margs. amazingly, they came back in a flash. i could remember my apprehensive self stepping into the canteen, overwhelmed by the noise. later, smiling tentatively in relief when i saw people i recognised...

during english (which was like 8am?), i couldn't keep still. jumpy and excited. i was singing a number of songs to meifung and rachel who were unfortunately beside me and had to put up with my hyper active self. then i calmed down for awhile but there were butterflies invading my stomach! i didn't know why, i guess it was nervousness, fear towards leaving st margs.

thankfully, after i had a bicker session with cynthia, things went back to normal.

the commendation was okay. the acapella group was great. the slideshow was nice but didn't evoke any tears or emotions. there were merely snapshots. lifeless representations of the joy we had in st margs. what was there to cry for?

throughout the day, i felt a widening crevasse at the bottom of my heart.

it was only when we did the school cheer at the very end, i was nearly moved to tears. somehow, i felt that it sealed the irrevocable end.

the cheer that once made me feel so much a part of st margs, so much proud to be from st margs.

yet then it signified closure to another passage of my life.

so i kept really quiet on the way out of chapel. it was as though there was now a black, looming chasm in my heart. it hurt. i didn't even dare talk because i didn't want to cry. i didn't and i still don't think tears will ever be able to symbolise the extent of my gratitude towards st margs. i was afraid of crying, perhaps afraid of confronting what i didn't want to confront.

i don't know whether anyone of you would understand that kind of feeling. i think i only felt it one other time--when mrs lee passed away.

people say i am blur. that's quite true, i am slow on uptake.

i am fearful. i am frightened. the reality is crashing down upon me. i don't know what the future holds for me.

the st margs' umbrella isn't there anymore.

"Today you are proud of St Margaret's and let St Margaret's be proud of you tomorrow"

2005-10-09T14:47:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Daddy's going to heaven

hey little girlie,
why are you sucking your thumb?
is it yummy and tasty
like seafood pasta?
is the bone, flesh, skin and cells
really that enticing?

OH! little girlie
please don't cry
I was only asking you
why?
How would you survive
in a world like mine?
where the terrorists bomb,
the tsunamis come,
when the stock market crashes
and you are left with none.

where people look down on you
when you can't afford loafers.
here am i stuffed in a
tight business suit
waiting for clients to give me
some food!

why are you looking at me
with those big round eyes?
please don't, I beg you.
They remind me of
her eyes.
My dead daughter's eyes-

I lost her to my bitchy
Ex-wife
who claimed custody when
Amy was only 5.
I lost her to college and boys
when she was 19.
Lost her to leukemia
when she was 25.

She was all I had
then i had none.

I'm a poor old man
with nothing to live for-

So let me be,
little girlie with big round eyes.
Give me a break.
Take this penny,
get some sweets.
Stop sucking your thumb,
it makes you look stupid.

Go girlie!
Go!
Leave me be.
Let me go,
So i can jump off somewhere high.
To end this life.

2005-10-08T19:06:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

if you want a laugh visit loui's blog, i have already linked her :)

i feel not so accomplished today,

i setted out to finish all my work but i only ended up completing:

ss sbq
hist sbq
lit unseen poem

and i still have:

dunman high (bio)
may '05 o' level paper (bio)

and i still want to revise:

a maths
social studies
chem

arghs! the cycle is never ending...

2005-10-07T19:48:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

the last week of school.

the last week i'll spend as a student in St Margaret's.

i know there is still the O's. But that is not counted because technically you have already stop lessons and all that bantering with your classmates and friends. As in it is the end of the normal school days.

I don't know how to describe how i feel. sadness? resignation? nostalgia?

but definitely not regret.

St Margs gave me the four years that Nanyang failed to give in their six.

I know this sounds as though i'm bashing Nanyang but i'm not, i am just trying to show how much St Margs has given me this past four years that i can only use such a comparision which actually is not enough too.

before this, i would like to thank R.T.O.L! you people played such a big role you deserve a special mention. ( i don't want to keep on mentioning you people :p)

this is my story...

When i first stepped into St Margs i felt apprehensive. St Margs was not my choice school, in fact when i came from Nanyang, i came with my misguided perceptions and stereotypical thinking. I thought St Margs was a lousy school, the reputation wasn't very good. But all this melted away when orientation started. i was extremely lucky to have rachel with me because i knew her previously from ballet and she being of a more sociable nature introduced me to more friends. during orientation, i felt unity and happiness for the first time in 6 months. my psle results drained me as they were far from my expectations, moreover people all around me performed better. but what made it even worse was the regret and remorse that haunted me throughout the holidays because i knew i did not even bother to study/ revise. i failed to put in my effort and this was my desserts. and my ex best friend in primary school also 'betrayed' me on some matters..

back to the orientation, my class, 1e5 '02 was incredibly united! i must say our class must have been the most diverse in the whole level, not to mention the most intelligent! :) counting the number of awards we bagged the following year, whether cca-wise or academic-wise. i idolised the prefects for a short period of time too! they seemed so self assured, clever and likable. i wasn't much a confident person then. then i met louisa, wanda, alicia, cassie, liz, jia, mich (actually i knew her way before that..) etc. and this major friendships carried out through my secondary years. then i wasn't cool(neither am i now :P) but the'cool' people/ the people who weren't exactly of same interests nor personality as me (read all the before names!) became friends, close ones too. but i was still a bit of a shy person with low self-esteem so i became somewhat of a 'follower' or at least it seemed like it :)

this was also the year i met mrs tay and i must thank her for helping me along the way, she was ultimately the one who gave me the right opportunities to excel and encouraging to boost my confidence. :) can't really express my gratitude...

sec 2 year was just as eventful. i was monitress, had a number of headlong arguments with the prefects (specifically loui :P) about the governing of the class. got through a little rough period when the 'shanghai' girls came back from the entrepreneurship trip which caused us to be named the 'shanghai' clique and ruffled and unsettled a number of classmates. managed to tease and have a wonderful time with 2e2-ers. built a strong friendship with melo (which means alot to me). organised the teacher's day event ( can i say hectic again? :P). applied for nj and got rejected. had to say bye to wanda who got accepted. nominated as prefect and accepted. only one thing to say: thank god i didn't get in nj during that time! i would have missed smss like crazy!!!

sec 3 year was crazy. i was uber stressed. a bit depressed too. intensified when mrs lee left, because i never thought such a thing would happen.not adding i got separated from all my friends because we were all so diverse we just had to take different subject combinations. i got into a whole lot of committees: choir, gage brown, northwest cdc council, smpb, dots inc. this resulted in me quitting ballet :( because i had to make some sacrifices. i contributed in all except for gage brown which i will not take any credit for, cos all i did was to yell really loudly. yeah so in a nutshell, i was one tuckered all, zonkified person! i'm glad i made through that period of time... and even managed to study wholeheartedly :) and of cos what can i say but i love choir com '04/05!!! in sec 3 my passion for singing was renewed :) nothing adds more colour to my life than singing besides the fact of standing over 4 hours and feeling down because all the 'scoldings' and lack of motivation there was. a big thank you to ms ho too! for reviving the choir spirit. i think she was somewhat of a saviour? of course, we helped too!

sec 4: in tuned with my class, the wonderful 4e3!!!!! okay, so i hear all this things about us being nerds! haha, we ARE INTELLECTUALLY INCLINED! and we ALSO HAVE A LIFE! 4e3 rocks my socks! between sec 3 and 4 i managed to get closer to my class and hung out with the green club (wink wink prefects!), had a hilarious time with blur ji hyun and 'stern' rachel and the rest of the kooky and 'toot'y gang! :) the teachers rock my socks too! at first i was frightened of mr a, but he's a great teacher plus such a funny/sarcastic person. mdm yeo and her wonder woman efficiency and all her sarcasm too! and ms lee and her aunties! and many many more. now i am deciding whether i should give them (the class) a BIG present . an all for one offer! one booking for all the eating they have done in the year! :) i'll write my dedications to them one by one after the O's...

to sum these all up, i had a fun, enlightening, utterly new, great, marvellous, fantastic time at St Margs. (minusing the scoldings :P)

i have grown as a person and jia is witness to that. :)

i think i'll cry on thursday.

i hope not, but i think i'll.

i don't cry, you know?

is that a measure of st margs' magic?

:')

2005-10-04T22:14:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

oh yay! i'm blogging at 10.15pm on a tuesday night. a school night!

hmms. i'll try to refrain from talking about school.. let's talk about today's newspaper...

i suddenly had the urge to read the review section, you know the pages full of analyses about the world today and various sectors of society. today, it was something about the decay within newpapers. as in in 2040, newspapers will no longer be useful and really beneficial to knowledge-seekers, because of the influx of adverts and the greed of the press :P but they need the money too. so i guess it's a man eat man world.

i find that quite saddening.

no

really saddening.

there goes another source of information....

oh yeah! i learnt the meaning and origins of the most famous equation in our time.

E=mc^2

haha. this is so cool. i happened to read a whole chunk of an article about einstein and his equation. physics is interesting but biology is even more! hehe.

2005-10-02T19:33:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

just a quick one in response to the first half of Szemin's post.

Remember the social studies SEQ we did, I think Boon Lay Sec's? The question was something like: "To what extent is war a result of international conflict?" I wrote my two other factors based on diplomacy and deterrence, basically making a stand that war is not the inevitable result of international conflict: peace can be as well.

But Mr Lee, upon giving us his answer, said that the essay was supposed to be modeled this way: that war was not only resulting from international conflict, but from territorial and resource claims, economic clashes, etc. The focus was on war. I couldn't accept that (or I'd get a bad mark too) so I asked about the way I'd wrote my essay (Gabriel wrote it this way too). Mr Lee said;

"Are you saying that peace is a result of international conflict? That in order to have peace, we must have international conflict?"

To which I said, "But what is peace, without war?"

2005-10-02T12:01:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

the bali bombing...

i have nothing to say. after all what i say is useless. nothing can change. this just goes to show the state the world is now. but i have the nagging suspicion that this will not end. i think it's a vicious cycle that is going to perpetuate in the generations ahead. why?

because it seems that human nature can not strive without conflict and there will always be others creating trouble, maybe that's their version of acheiving peace and harmony.

i read bits and pieces of Vermillion Gate, a memoir by a woman who has lived through the Cultural Revolution and witness her family being wrecked. what is even more 'interesting' about this book is that it gives me a better account of China and it's upheavals during the 20th century. Partly dut to the fact that this author's parents were high ranking Communists and she gave a detailed and concise account on their lives too. therefore this memoir lacks the subjectivity present in other works by defectors or nationalist chinese. it is really an insight to the Communist party, their tenacity and lofty, noble goals during those times.

guess what during the course of reading, i realised something. i would have probably joined the communists if i was in china during those times... even if i knew the consequences. at that point of time, i think that would be the only choice for you to take if you really valued the reunification and strengthening of your nation.

my dad quoted to me,

" if you are below 30 and you don't even harbour the slightest bit of communsit ideals. you are not a hot blooded, patriotic young person." ( in other words, you are weird, egocentric and overly self centred.)

" if you are above 30 and still have communist ideals, you are immature." (in other words, you are childish and impractical.)

well, if you know what i said in reply. i launched into a tirade, rebuking my father for his second quote. because in my opinion, people over 30 don't have anymore communist ideals due to the exposure to the harsh reality of survival thus it's not longer for the greater good but for their self gain.

haha. :)

2005-10-01T11:42:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Lonely Love

Don't leave me waiting
By November's fireplace.
Trying to feel something,
Something so intangible
I can hardly believe it exists.

To forget seems to be
A blessing.
To remember,
An eternal curse.
An indelible mark everlasting on my heart.

Love's just
A gossamer crystalline product.

2005-09-28T18:36:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Lost

“I got lost,” I said,
And turned away so you wouldn’t see
The tears blackmailing my eyes.
“Took the wrong ride,
Made hasty decisions
And got lost.”
My tears spilled over.

“I thought you ran away from home,” you said,
As you closed the door behind me, thud.
Your hand reached out to touch
My shoulder, “You…”

And all hell broke loose as I lost
Control, and battles ensued, wars were
Lost, where I had not lost before,
But I had certainly lost now.

I don’t remember most of your words
Nor do I recall gaining sight of much
But I do remember your arms,
Held me so tight, held me together
Where I could come back to you and be found.

2005-09-27T20:37:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

WHY?

why live life to the fullest when you are going to die?

why believe in something you cannot see or feel?

why put faith in someone you cannot reach?

why care about anything when it will cease to matter?

why work when you can't bring money to heaven?

why trust that there is something after life when it might be a lie?

why breathe when you can stop breathing?

why still love when it is so hard?

why hate when it brings you more pain?

why cheat when you are only cheating yourself in the very end?

why make friends when most of them hardly understand?

why eat when it makes you fat?

why smile when it is only for a moment?

why laugh when it's shortlived?

why bother be angry when things don't go your way?

why be happy when things do?

why even bother feeling when it's such a pointless waste of time and effort?

why bother thinking when all it does is complicate and cloud your mind?

why are you reading this meaningless junk?

why?

i think you know why.

2005-09-25T15:02:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Babies.

Thinking of how adults abandon all and gravitate towards babies.

It was the youth's turn to usher in my church's second service today. Ushering is when I get to see the whole picture of what happens on Sunday during the service, including what I don't see if I were sitting in the congregation. What I saw today was that there were three babies (which means three prams, three sets of squealing and yowling and three parents - either the mother or the father - chasing after the wandering toddler or trying to soothe the howling baby.

The three babies were all incredibly cute, especially this one particular toddler named Matthew. He is simply so adorable and irresistable to look at, you just find yourself drawn to him. And for such a young age, he is remarkably observant. He looks at you, straight in the eye, direct and unabashed. There's literally nothing in his eyes - you can't tell what's going on inside his head. But you know for a fact his curiosity is just burning away in him like a forest fire.

And adults just gravitate towards him. Stonily-faced adults, punkish teenagers, elderly ladies and men all clamour for his attention and the feel of his tiny weight in their arms. They lose the hard exterior and not so much as break down, but let down those defences to embrace a child.

I was wondering to myself, why? Why do people, me included, simply feel pulled towards these children?

As of yet, I have no answer. (Actually I'm just freakishly lazy to keep typing. I need to start studying again.)

2005-09-24T10:25:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Clubbing

okay, i have decided to share about my clubbing experience. to make it easier and more comprehensible i have pasted an excerpt of the conversation Loui and I had on msn the other day. the letters in bold are added on comments to enhance your reading :)

---

a ring of endless light- says:
OH LOUI you know what!!!! i went CLUBBING!!!!!! OMG!

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
huh?! (she's in shock! can't imagine a nerd like me clubbing! read on! :)

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
when?!!!

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
and why are u talking like me?

a ring of endless light- says:
on tuesday cos my dad decided to show me the world. he thought maybe i shouldn't be that nerd and study all the time or i'll get duped in the future. ( it's true. my dad thought he 'd let me know some of the harsh realities of life; like how boring life is when you are old)

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
what?!

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
haha

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
where did u go?

a ring of endless light- says:
river valley somewhere near mohammad sultan and holland v as well (haha last min decision)
( i found out.. it was river valley community club and ulu pandan cc!)

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
omg.. is it like , a karoke bar thing?

a ring of endless light- says:
nooooo. i'll kill my dad if he brings me to those sleazy places..
( that's for real. like you have ah bengs and weird characters skulking around. it's not a wholesome atmosphere!)

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
so what was it?

a ring of endless light- says:
i can't rmb the names. it was more like bar hopping. anyway i got to drink this brownish amber liquid. and it's really disgusting. alcohol stinks! ( well, we really hopped club to club and bar to bar to drink some concoctions. i asked my dad what was the brownish liquid yesterday! he told me it was oolong tea. No wonder it tasted yucky. anyway alcohol really stinks i mean it increase the rate of blood coagulation. you get intoxicated etc!)

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
oh my gosh!

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
sze min..... GONE WILD! ( yeah. i've gone wild. i was trying to line dance with some of the old liner dancers. :P)

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
hahahhaa

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
alcohol and all too ( it's oolong tea! :P)

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
tsk ( yeah, i know. the community clubs aren't the best of places.. )

a ring of endless light- says:
plus some of the guys were playing with some gadgets. looked quite cool. it was sleek black and white. (that's weiqi! you know the cool chess game the chinese 'ah kongs' play!) oh yeah and there was a fight! like this two guys suddenly charged at each other! (they were having some karate class and we happened to catch a glimpse!)

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
oh my gosh! ( i know. the kicks were really scary and all the 'yakks!')

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
hahaa

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
did ur bro go too?

a ring of endless light- says:
oh my mum didn't allow. cos he was studying for an exam. but can tell you he was envious and pissed . haha

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
heh heh heh

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
so what time did u COME HOME? (she's really perceptive! gets right to the point! actually i wanted to leave earlier but my dad said we must be polite and nice to those people. otherwise it'll seem rude.)

a ring of endless light- says:
about 3ish.. (yeah. i know that's like really late. i wanted to be back in the morning at eleven. but it ended at 3pm! grrs!)

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
o... m... g... ( see even she sympathises me!)

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
u ah..

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
have to go now

Loui: What if God was one of us? *Grobanite/CSI/VAMOS NADAL!!!* says:
see ya tomorrow u certified CLUBBER!
---

yupps! so that completes my clubbing escapades! it was really an enriching experience! i mean i am finally exposed to more of the society!

you should try it someday too! :P

2005-09-22T20:12:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

gibberish?

toknow
tosigh
tolove
tomiss
tosee
tocry
tobelieve
tomourn
towin
tolose
tolive
todie

---------------

To know
To sigh
To love
To miss
To see
To cry
To believe
To mourn
To win
To lose
To live
To die

2005-09-21T20:24:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

how the prelims are over and i can finally indulge in something i haven't done in about a month..

Columns of books,
My mind intricately bounded by their spines.
A dog-earred page uncurls memories.
Bittersweet for it's an irksome dependance for knowledge.
It's a love-hate realtionship.

i read 3 books in one go!

whee!

o-kay, this is coming from a self confessed bookaholic.

yups, so what's a better way to celebrate then to read books vociferously right after a self imposed long break? i didn't want to read any old book from home so i popped by the school library and there were actually treasures waiting for me!

haha, that's a tad bit of exaggeration but i managed to pick up three books i wanted to read for a long time and one which i piqued my interest. two of the three are chick-lit(erature) books. Shopaholic and Sister and Shopaholic in Manhattan. I enjoyed them tremendously. Nothing like a bit of bimbotic junk and sharp wit to bust all the remanants of the exams. otherwise i'll have residual 'naptha', 'bitumen' and 'Better to be a witty fool than a foolish wit' tendrils floating around my brain, terrorising me. speaking of that, tomorrow we are getting the results...

then i also had Lord of the Flies which i only finished half. i guess most of you will probably approve of this one. Of course, well written and it's creepy. it's ominous; little boys die...

then a random pick of Excerpts of Diaries from War torn Areas or somewhat similar. there are excerpts from the palestine conflict, northern ireland * ss girls, TINK!* and world war II *history girls, TINK!TINK!* . haha but i borrowed it not for academic purposes. it's rather depressing, i'm sitting at home. sheltered, warm and contented. then a sense of guilt for the pleasures i'm partaking overwhelms me. it's an enlightening read.

hmms, i also had plenty of time to pen poems. that's what you do when you realise life's not only about frantic mugging :)

so here's one.

Beautiful Girl

I don't like her.
She is beautiful.
She has pouty, bee-stung lips
And rosy cheeks.

Prominent cheekbones;
Greyish blue irises;
Thick eyelashes;
Abundance of dark brown hair;
Tendrils frame her
Heartshaped face.
Boys often stare.

She makes a slender silhouette.
There is not an ounce of fat.
Skin is porcelain white,
Smooth as freshly churned butter.
Graceful is the word for her gestures.
She exudes elegance at every measure.

The inky mascara applied earlier on,
Drips like tears down her rouge.
Her eyes are vacant.
B-L-A-N-K.
Like a deer caught in headlights.
Her fingers are limp, unmoving.
No spontanetity.
N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

Suddenly,
I pity her.
She is beautiful.
YES!
A mere lifeless doll.

2005-09-20T12:46:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

post-it love

love is not in red
it is in yellow
the day you gave me
cutesy pieces of ochre paper

it stuck onto me
those squiggles of boyish scrawny handwriting
stealing bits of my heart
one at a time

a tiny heart at the end
of each message
made my mind woozy
my heart thumping

but soon novelty wore off
like love does most of the time
the once durable sticky paper
soon fluttered off mine

scraps of paper
pepper the soles of my feet
the ground is ochre
my heart is free

now there is only a piece left
it says,
"hey, can we be
friends please?"

2005-09-19T21:28:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Double-blogging.

Topic: Your 5 Quirks
1) I have a tendency to jump out of bed every morning. It's impossible for me to lai chuang, I will simply pop out of bed and into the bathroom. Sometimes this happens so fast that I wake up in the bathroom, not on the bed... Does that make sense? As in I got up so fast and made my way to the bathroom so unconsciously that the real waking up moment occurs in the bathroom and I'll be disoriented for a minute then realize I'm in the toilet.

2) I hate clowns. I really do. I hated that Nokia advertisement when all the clowns came parachuting down like some army of paratroopers to amuse the poor bored guy. If I were that guy, I would have gone from a poor, bored guy to a psychiatric priority in a second. I hate clowns.

3) I know Michelle said this too, but I do cry over a lot of movies (only a very few books). Okay, to tell you the truth, I cry over nearly every movie I watch. Iron Jawed Angels, Patch Adams, Five People You Meet in Heaven, Tuesdays with Morrie, The Lord of the Rings, darn that's a lot. Considering that's like 75% of the movies I have watched at all. I think I rate movies by how much I cry over them. Therefore The Lord of the Rings and Patch Adams rank at first and second.

4) I have this torture thing going on with my brother. I don't really carry it on to full term, but there was this once he was infatuated with marbles. He had a whole tin full of them. So I decided I would steal his marbles, one by one, so that he wouldn't notice, until gradually he'd realize that his marbles were disappearing. I kept the hidden marbles in the NYDC cake box my fourteenth birthday brownie had come in (from Sharon and Liz). I kept it up for a while but I don't think I factored in the possibility that he might lose interest in marbles before I stole them all. Therefore, that failed. I am still up to my tricks, though. Evil sister I am.

5) My sister and I get drunk every Christmas. We don't go looking for alcohol: it comes looking for us. For example, last Christmas we were given fruit cakes that we didn't know had a high content of rum. We didn't know until every morsel was in our stomach and we found ourselves rolling on the floor of our bedroom, laughing our heads off and singing to every crazy song on the radio, making up tunes and words when we didn't know them. My dad came to the door of our bedroom, stared at us, shook his head and walked out. He must have thought the Christmas cheer got to us. Truth was, it was alcohol.

And the rest is on my blog.

2005-09-19T18:16:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

sam! ahhs! why me! :/

Instructions of the tag:

Given a topic, you are to write down your answers in your blog, and then send the same topic to 5 other people. Write down the names of these 5 people and link to them on your blog. Go visit their blogs to notify them that they are tagged. The 5 people who are tagged should, in their own blogs, write down the name and link of the person who tagged them, answer the same topic, and send it to another 5 people, etc.

The Topic: Your 5 Quirks

One: When i read i can't put the book down. Even if it's a boring story. I'll just continue reading despite my aching eyes and drowsy mind. It's quite weird but i just have to know the resolution.

Two: I almost always prefer the female character to the male character in movies, books, dramas. For the boy-crazy females out there, you must think i'm nuts :). haha, but that's usually the case. i find females much more intriguing and meaningful than their counteparts. (okay, that sounds a tad too feminist?)

Three: I get the jitters during exams (like who doesn't) but the thing is, i try to placate my inner jumpy self and somehow my sweat pores will get overactive, meaning that i'm calm BUT with very sweaty palms. you can literally see the sheen of sweat on them, not at all good when you actually have to grip onto the pen to write on the exam sheet. :(

Four: I don't like Orchard Cineleisure, heeren too(but for the sake of my dear friends and still go there :p) the reasons being: it's teeming with teenagers, i know i'm a TEENAGER too, but still i abhor the noise, the ah lians, the glares/looks, the atmosphere, the loudness. (no offence who those who sincerely enjoys it, after all each to his/her own)

Five: I define places and people and experiences by smell. this's a good and bad thing. for example when i sense the scent of some perfume or suntan lotion, i will suddenly remember a particular holiday, incident or person. the great part is it's comforting to smell something familiar and 'heartwarming' even the detergent scent when i'm nervous or scared. BUT it's pretty annoying when some people use the same perfume or cologone and i happen to go, "oh! what a marvellous memory!" when someone you utterly did not expect appears in front of you-- in short someone you do NOT what to associate the scent with. can you imagine the horror! :P

the 5 people to 'sabo' :)

- Jia
- Liz
- Ji Hyun ( she has many quirks, i can name a few.. :p.. schiznoprenia anyone? )
- Mich
- Lynette

2005-09-17T17:12:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Paper/Scissors/Stone

Shabbily constructed paper towers of love
Threatened by the slightest of wind
Emotion is papyrus thin
Feelings runs in a funnel

No one takes what you think
Layers of hope snipped off
Revealing fragile white crumpled
petals of hearts

Eyes colour skies greyish blue
Cloudless and dry
Barren, desolate fields within
Shrouds of faces make up an impermeable mist

Be clenched, cold, hardened
To touch Earth's charred surfaces
Ashes seeping through trembling fingers
Still failing to understand why

Crimson courses no more through veins
Only cool, black ink
Fluid clumping to form
Dark, expressionless stones.

2005-09-16T20:46:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

random things... i shan't blog about the exams till it's over so i'll not antangonize anyone or drown you people with my complaints... :)

brother/sister

he was two
red-cheeked cherub
like an angel with a golden halo
just right for a little cuddle

she was four
a petulant brat by then
as haughty as a queen
with a whiny voice to complete

she bullied him
he hardly retaliated

he always said, "But Min too!"
whenever someone offered him chocolate

he is now fourteen
a head taller than her
sporting a spiky haircut
his mannerisms no longer cute

she is nearly sixteen
around the same character
but she can't scold him anyone
he's one size larger

they're worlds apart
linked by blood

to wish for that adorable toddler to return
is somehow impossible.

2005-09-15T22:24:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

preschooler's pout

if i'd wanted you to come
i would have asked.
why do you now come uninvited?
did you ever hear me invite you?

if i'd wanted to give it to you
i would have. like a gift.
but i wanted you to take it
yourself. why didn't you?

don't extend your hand to me now.

if i'd wanted you to come
i would have asked.
but would you have come?

2005-09-13T23:15:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

That Night
Roaring thunder,
Flashing lightning.
The old man shuffled his feet,
Hoping to stay dry tonight.

The cats yowled and the dogs howled.
Children cried and old trees died.
I watched all this,
Through my window.

Thankful was I, for having a home.

2005-09-12T18:50:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

shards of glass, shards of bone

she sits reflected in the glass panes
seen through. seen
a wraith. but seen, no less.

the squeak of a finger running
over clean skin.
thunder pops
like a newly opened jam jar.

the growth of new flesh, over
aching bones.
skin falling away
from home.

lightning like
acid to the eyes, and
prophecy to thunder.
i confess fear,

it's my turn to be reflected.

2005-09-10T15:00:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Friends?
She looked at them, one by one
Different faces, different names
Similar they were in certain ways
Yet different they were in others
A different background each one had
Some were proud and rich
Others had difficulty getting by
To them the future looked bleak
Together they were a group
Brought together by circumstances
Stayed together they did as friends
Thinking it would never end

She remembered the day when they were tested
Failed the test they all did
Emotionally many were strained
Giving up seemed the only way
Yet let go they did not
Bonded together even more they did
Just like elements in chemistry
Sacrificed themselves for their kiths

Then she remembered the times of trials
When loved ones were taken away
On each other they leaned for support
Though they were, a house on the rocks
There were times when they tore each other apart
With words that cut like diamonds
But each was a learning experience
Wounds healed and physical pain went
Scars and memories stayed

She sighed inwardly, while deep in thought
Think about her scars
Each brought back memories of pain
Like they'd happened only yesterday

Moved on each of them truly have
But happy memories never fade
Tears welled in her eyes at those thoughts
As she regretted her foolish acts

Now all she had left of them,
Were but memories and lifeless photographs.

2005-09-08T22:36:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

pieces of who was, years ago

you can live in oblivion
forever can come to an end
sooner or later means never
life isn't a journey, you must complete.

i begin to understand
it's not so small a world after all
loneliness exists among people
unfinished means, it will never be finished
that teacher may not be so bad after all
shoes are meant to be worn
i begin to understand.

misconnections mean distrust
you can't always sit down
boys never outshine girls
houseflies are good for something.

i begin to understand
innocence becomes a person
always say what you mean
faith lives in everyone's heart
ignorance means death follows
i may not need you - i may just want you
some things cannot be said
i begin to understand.

different people always click
nonsensical songs leave space for thought
a person is never what he seems to be
and i will never understand.

pieces of who was, yesterday

i needed you
you were all i was living for
i came to lean on you
depend on you
shyly, embarrassed
but surely.

i loved you
you were all the world to me
i suffered for you
cried about you
silently, hidden
those tears were real.

but when i need you
you're not there
waiting as if planned
when i wanted you
there was nothing there
not even the shadow of your existence.

but if you think i'm naive, well, me too
coz at times i feel nine feet tall.

2005-09-04T10:45:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Existence.

what do i want to be?
what am i meant to do?
who am i?

i probably reading the two most contradictory books in my house.

firstly, On being A Christian by Hans Kung
secondly, The Story of Evolution by Ron Taylor

i like the foreword of the first book, it said something like this..

"this book is written for those who..sincerely want to know what's Christianity..

it is also written for those
who do not believe but nevertheless seriously inquire;
who did believe but are not satisfied with their unbelief;
who do believe but are insecure in their faith;
who are at a loss between belief and unbelief;
who are skeptical, both about their convictions and their doubts.

It is written then for Christians and atheists, Gnostics and agnostics, pietists and positivists, lukewarm and zealous Catholics, Protestants and Orthodox. "

Quite an interesting but heavy reading. it talks about Christianity and the current changes in the world and how Christianity will survive and be impacted, whilst we are moving towards a secular society...

on the other hand, the second book talks mainly about biology and geography. the stuff we already know via education. most of the information is already incorporated in the syllabuses. i was pleasantly surpried to find that melanic moths, natural selection and all the things we were taught in biology were covered. makes me feel that i actually have been learning something useful in school.

well, to conclude none of these books helped me answer my questions, perhaps that's why i drawn to philosophy.

on some days, i become so morbid that i plainly tell anyone who meets me, "we are born to live to die." thankfully those days aren't too often. likewise, to me death isn't about giving in, it's about accepting. perhaps that's why i admire those people who are willingly to make a difference in others' lives. with the knowledge that you are going to die someday and become a fossil fuel, what's the point? (that's from an agnostic's point of view)

i don't see our society progressing. it's becoming more chaotic as the years go by.and here am i criticising yet not doing anything. is it because i have submitted to the fate that nothing can possibly save us from this decay? i sincerely don't know. but i hope not. education is meant to lead us to the eventual road of advancement, world peace, whatever way you want to put it. but with the years of education, will it harden your heart and make you into a self centred person who forgets the original goal.

if i study law, i do not want to be the overzealous student who goes in the lecture theatre on her first day with the hope that she can change the world, make a slight difference to people's lives with her contribution but end up graduating and joining a law firm which defends criminals as long as the price is right.

or study politics and thinking that with my contribution there could be better leadership, more policies implemented to care for the welfare of others, more diplomacy among nations but end up joining the opposition which will resort to unscruplous means to defame the ruling party. where is the integrity?
(been hillary clinton's autobigraphy and that's where the politics come into the picture)

Mystic forces at work or not?
Born with an aim or not?
Survival of the fittest?

with no conclusion from my references, i have drawn up my own...

what do i want to be?
i want to be me, with no pretenses or false facades, to remain true to my beliefs and not lose sight of my goal in view of pressing circumstances.

what am i meant to do?
i am meant to do whatever i want to do and am determined to do. i'm not suppose to wait for fate's breeze to gently push me along the path, i'm suppose to stake my own path.

who am i?
i am human thus i have my limitations. i'll do what i deem fit and all in the name of the greater good.

i am just a tiny organism in the face of the universe/universes.
i wouldn't say i'm special but life is special and with life we are meant to do something, even if we don't understand it.
so at the very least we can say we lived our lives.

2005-09-02T22:23:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Happily ever after (NOT)

Grandiose opening swept me off my feet,
A whisper by the ear,
You spun a tale of romance.

Foolishly trusted
I was led by your lies.
Intoxicated by your professions

Young, sweet, mellow
So easily hurt.
My mind – a whir of confusion.

Can’t you see?
You painted a rosy future
For both you and me

Your gallant proposal
Had me falling over your feet.
Cheated, Swindled, Deluded.

I believe in love,
No more.

Enjoy...

2005-09-02T22:20:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

My turn! I feel like a little kid jumping up and down eagerly with something to say. I don't know how Szemin does it, maintaining her sense and sanity throughout exam period. When exams draw near, I lose myself just about completely and after it, go through a search to rediscover the person I lost. You would think I would know better by now. The truth is I'm no better than four years of secondary school education ago.

That's not the point anyway. Today was Social Studies and Bio Practical, which were anticipated as killer combinations. But somehow, though I tossed for an hour the night before, during the exam itself I was simply going through the motions, having done similar papers before, going through the various steps and touching on the various aspects (for social studies), and then for bio practicaly, nearly, scarily, having fun doing all the food tests, feeling a naive jubilation at attaining results for the various food tests, watching water boil and test tubes pop...

The simplicity of things can be very reliable.

But other than that, I got home and my mom asked me, "So how were the papers?" And I told her, "Okay." She was surprised, because usually I come home with the most pessimistic view on what happened at school, and give her the impression that I'm going to fail so badly I'll never see the light of day (as with Chinese, which was proven otherwise).

Because as a result of the start of prelims, I've realised that we've gone through a million and one exams already. What's another one? That's not to say I don't take it seriously anymore, but to say that despite their wattage, they're not what defines me. They're not what I base the quality of my life on. I'm simply going through the motions to obtain a mark that will enable those strangers who don't know me, to gauge where I am.

Take my dad's example. When we went to Canada, he had to take a drivers' test to get a Canadian license. The examiner said to him, "Look, I know you can drive, but just so that you can get this license, just do all the things the rules tell you to. Signal even when there's nobody to signal to, stop at the stop sign when there's nobody to stop for, and I know you won't do all this when you get out on the road but just show me you can."

Same theory. Just show them you can. Then throw it down the drain for all they care, if it isn't what you want to do. Life's yours to live.

That's all I can come up with during exams.

And I just wanna voice the injustice done to Szemin and me and Sara! Somebody stole our lit files. JUST RETURN THEM, YOU NINKUMPOOP. You won't gain anything from our files. They're OURS! So just return them!

2005-08-31T18:56:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Mama :)

Thick lustrous hair framed her tiny oval face, her petite figure clad in a flattering white summer dress. Gliding across the room with ease like a queen before her throne, one would have guessed she was in her late twenties, at most early thirties.

Yet as she neared, I could glimpse faint crow lines materializing by her curly eyelashes. Her once smooth forehead was now a mess of unsightly creases. Every wrinkle etched onto her face represented the countless of worries I gave her. Suddenly, a gnarled hand with short and stubby fingers reached out to me. Those weathered hands had caressed my face when I was born, wiped away my tears when I faced failure, held me tightly in the warm embrace of care and love. Without hesitation I clasped them tightly, hoping to convey my love and gratitude towards my mother.

Looks do not matter.

2005-08-31T17:35:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

My my my. I am such a delinquent. I haven't posted so long that I don't even see my posts at all on the page! (by the way Jia, I agree with you. better write while sze's not hogging the limelight! =P) Haven't posted since I got my results back. It saddens me to think about it.

Conformity

Together they walked,
Hand in hand down the street.
Ebony intertwined with ivory,
An odd sight to behold.

Stares and cold looks they recieved,
Some people turned away.
Mothers told their children not too look,
While condeming them to hell.

They meant no harm but love instead,
Though society didn't see it so.
More darkened faces looked back at them,
As they on their way went along.

A third world country it wasn't,
A super power it was.
Yet people had hearts smaller than grain,
To non coformity accept naught.

A world that preached equality,
A world that asked for peace.
Was one that still demanded conformity,
In the oldest possible way.

2005-08-30T12:17:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

ss swarming and eschewing my brain..

haha. sorry, i promised myself that i had to study 3 chapters of ss before coming online..currently the words, 'economic advancement', 'foreign revenue' and much more are running amok in my mind..

on a lighter note, i have a so-called holiday today! because some people are taking their practical exams and i'm not! haha. i am positively shouting with glee. but of course, what's a 'vacation' without some studying. with ss and bio practicals this friday, no one's enjoying this reprieve unless they do some revision..

hmms, i forgot what i wanted to share...

oh yah! i got it now!

read The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold.

i was bowled over by it. well at least at some parts, except the ending was a little anti-climatic (well each to his own taste, i was hoping for something more vengeful :P)

i spent the entire night reading it and completely ignored ss revision. it's touching, funny and really painful at times. seriously, tears were welling up my eyes twice ..

if you want a brief intro, it's about this girl who gets murdered and observes her grieving family and friends from the heaven above. and later on how they gradually move on and grow up. that's the gist.

i was reading laura's amazing booklist... i am green with envy, purple with choking jealousy .. she has so many books! and i have to get mine from the libraries and plead my parents for an occassional newly published one...sad, right? but at least the school library suffices at times. i just borrowed Hilary Clinton's autobiography and Lovely Bones . yups, but the autobiography will have to wait till the sept hols when i manage to squeeze some reading time from intensive studying...

a shout-out to laura (hopefully she sees it :) )

can i borrow some of your books after the o's????????? pretty please with a maraschino cherry on the top :) and a rainbow sprinkles and chocolate fudge :) ????

--- as you can see i'm usually starved for good reading material----
----i drive my dad mad after the exams--- cos i want to live in the library-- :)

2005-08-27T11:17:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Shall speak up while I have the chance since Szemin is "hogging the posts".

To give my own account of my chemistry practical, I can just say that my head was empty when I walked to my seat. Proof: I actually attempted to fill the burette with P directly. Completely forgetting the existence of a funnel. Yah lah I stopped in time and put the funnel on. THEN I toppled my styrofoam cup upon the first 5cm3 addition. No matter. Clean up and start again. THEN I took all my values and subtracted them wrongly, T2 minus T1, T3 minus T2 and so on instead of T2 minus T0, T3 minus T0 and so on. Only in the last fifteen minutes did I realise something was horrendously wrong, and scampered to change all the coordinates and redo the last part of the first question.

Haha. I am so not chemistry-inclined.

Back to the spotlight being on you, Sze!

2005-08-26T21:47:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

my day.. haha. this is so mundane and ordinary.

nevertheless, i took my chemistry practical prelim exam today..which is a bit of a big deal to me, considering that i am NOT dexterous nor am i very precise, careful and graceful...

in fact, i'm the opposite.

blur, scatterbrained and clumsy.

so my mum decided that her daughter needed some encouragement and being a 'devout' buddhist. she proceeded to ask me to pray with some joss sticks this morning. i'm entirely respectful of my mum's religion, beliefs and wishes but i also told her plainly that it is like grabbing onto the buddha's feet at the eleventh hour (there's a chinese idiom for it).. then my dear brother decided to be the smart aleck and told me smugly, "Do you know that the glowing tip of your joss stick will pop when it detects hydrogen?"

i was overjoyed.....

Because my little(actually larger than me) brother provided me the opportunity to flaunt and revise my chemistry practial knowledge again so i corected him by telling him that a glowing tip relights in the presence of oxygen :) with a huge smirk on my face (i know i know i 'm such a horrible sister.. but i just couldn't resist!)

but i got 'retribution' because in my hurry to get out of the house, i left ALL my chemistry notes on my desk.. Looking on the bright light, i managed to de-stress by talking crap with my classmates instead of worrying endlessly before the exam..

surprisingly, i didn't meet any mishaps today in the lab. except i flung my pen in the air when i was nervous.hehe. well, it's over. i shan't talk about it...

poem time...(which reminds me i did miserably for my literature unseen poem test :( poem intepretation was never one of my stronger areas. i rather write .. haha)

What's that clock ticking for?

Hang onto the moment,
Time's a chasm.
Endless, bottomless pit,
Alice down the rabbit hole.

When does reality end?
When does fantasy begin?

Lines;blurred.
Memories; long faded.
Lives; meant to be lost?

What is time?
The duration of life.
The number of accolades.
The meaningful acts for the better.
Human's history of errors.

Does time exist,
Or is it a figment of our imagination.

Tick, tick, tick.
Minutes slowly filtering away.
The clock chastises me.
I better stop daydreaming,
Time's running.

2005-08-20T16:22:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

me hogging most of the posts..

blaughs, i really sorry you've to bear with my crap because my counterparts (points accusing finger at jia and liz) are not pitting in. not that i blame them, the prelims are coming and they are busy and they have their blogs to tend too, while i'm here idling because i don't give a hoot about my blog (it's dead by the way) and i have nowhere else to relieve this boundless energy.

i think it's about time i posted something more p.p.ish (profound and philosophical) all those ramblings about everyday life is so mundane and uninteresting right? haha.

well, i was reading laura's post on her blog and it was about the wonders and profoundity of time, space.. i guess it's more climatic for physics students who will more likely undersatnd what she is extolling about. nevertheless, i somehow got the hang of it (must be due to a maths 's velocity nonsense)

i unashamedly admit that i'm not really a risk taker or someone who bothers to find out why things happen. i'm more likely to take a laid back stance and be the cynic, commenting and criticising but never in the middle of action. i don't crave for action nor thrills nor fame. in a sense, i am someone who enjoys the simple pleasures of life and cherishes the bliss of life (though i'm rather morbid as i always say, "we live to die"). in another sense, you could say i'm lazy, slothful.. etc. that's probably the main reason why i'll never make it to being a scientist or an explorer, i lack the motivation and driving force...

it's not that i'm lazy to think or find out about new areas and things or another zonked out cyber kid of our generation who no longer appreciates nature's wonder. it's just that i'm sick of the material world, the technology and even man sometimes. i would prefer to sit in a corner, staring at the stars, contemplating about life. just life. after all, politics, economics, social problems, money weren't all this created by man?

along with advancement was his companion, complication.

money is the root of all evil: how i wish i got that for english orals then i could tell the examiner in her face that no, man was the root of all evil because he was after all, the creator of money and he was the one who instill and created the greed for it. money is only a iece of paper, it's the value you give it.

can you imagine if someone suddenly went down the street one day and started tearing money, yelling at others to do so and get rid of this object representive of materialism and everyone starts doing so? imagine what a chaotic scene that will be, how much fear, anguish and bewilderment stock brokers, bankers, the entire finance world, the governments, the rich will experience? how liberated, overjoyed the poor will feel? how will the world be like? back to bartering?

you can't eat money. i think people got less practical and realistic down the generations. think if it was the end of the world who would be the ones surviving? the farmers? the tais tais?

ask yourself...

is wealth is measured by paper?

is survival is measured by paper?

we all think we are so clever to substitute money as a middleman. what if something or someone comes out and threatens to destroy and shake the foundations this comfortable system and structure we depend on? anything is possible. communism is one of the best examples. you put a bunch of people whose lives were ruined or limited by paper; money. feelings of anger are up. ever heard of peasant uprising? what about global poor citizens uprising?

this problem will never end. it's a vicious cycle. even without money, there will still be a segregated society; the poor and the rich. this was present all along and will be. it's just that why give an inanimate object such as a piece of paper so much power to wield over others' lives..

think about this..

it's from the movie 'The Day After Tomorrow'

" It's just that all I have been planning for, working towards.. it is now a future that no longer exists for me."

when the female lead said that line, i felt she was echoing my exact sentiments. i feel this sometimes.. i wonder do you?

2005-08-19T17:11:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

how come no one is posting?

hellooo? liz? jia? anyone?

anyhow, i'll wish jia a HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY!

hmms. on a serious note, i've been really sick these days-- flu, sorethroat fever. am i really that vulnerable? i had the illusion that i'm rather robust! :)

so i (actually my dad) proceeded to be house-cooped for two whole days. two whole glorious days without the troubles of school. actually, no. because i still had a heaving pile of homework especially maths homework (glares murderously) and a ton of revision to do... and not to add a dollop of guilt to see i carry them out efficiently and rapidly (bio's getting to me. everything has to be efficiently and rapidly, otherwise there is somehow or another a blasted limiting factor :/)

let me share with you why..

this is a excerpt of an unfortunate conversation i had with cassie (my really good friend who happens to be a worrywart and a extremely smart one too)

me: (sighs) i haven't been revising for social studies and the exam is coming in two weeks!

cassie: me too!

me: really? i only studied 2 sec 3 chapters ..

(cassie looks at me in shock and astoundment)

me: (catching her look) so how much have you studied?

cassie: the whole sec 3 syllabus and midway sec 4

me: what?! you call that haven't study? i don't study everyday you know!

cassie: (looks at me innocently) really?

me: (sighs and mutters to myself) gosh, she studies everyday

cassie: yeah what.

my dear friends, do you see what i mean. then me being me went to aggravate the situation by asking cassie another question via sms yesterday, it read..........

" cass, is the bio test hard?'

her reply....

" it's not hard"

of course now looking back at my moment of folly i must take into consideration that this very girl topped the level in the biology exams, so her nonchalant reply was not as helpful...

well, the flu season is here. everyone grab your tissues!

on a contrary, i doubt it'll be the flu that will get to you first.

as my father exclaimed as he happened to glimpse my beautifully word-infested test schedule, " i think it's not the flu... it's the stress.."

what do you have to say to something like that.
say it with me with gusto!

"of course! it's singapore..what!"

(smiles ruefully)

2005-08-15T17:55:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

how come the so-called 'nerd' a.k.a ME is posting so much..

haha, i know, i know everyone is studying like rabbits (oops. it is supposed to be breeding like rabbits. :/)

anyway. this is a marvellous outlet for me to de-stress.

it is my safety buoy in the murkey depths of relative velocity's river crossing diagrams...

it is the last tendril of my sanity before i pull out all my hair and become.... bald

haha, sorry it's just that i have my english oral tomorrow! *screams hysterically*

yups the examination which requires me to open my mouth and issue flowery vocabulary which are suppose to sweep the teachers off their feet. HAHS!

i can't even read properly. either i go too fast like a bullet train and i mean really a bullet train, a concorde i daresay at times : Or i apparently go all jerky and sound staccato :?. i didn't know that till my teacher told me this year. sigh, why is something called the oral *whines piteously*

in case there are some out there wondering why this damsel is getting her knickers in a twist over something as simple and easy as english oral. let me explain...

my parents are chinese educated. YES. you know the river valley 'cheena' people. yups, my dad's one of those buggers :P haha. and my mum, she communicates really well with her Japanese clients, especially with those who are learning how to speak english.. you get the flow of it? she understands their garbled english. they understand her lingo. together, you put two and two together. they somehow learn english from her ... that's how you get the term 'japanese engleesh'

sighs..

then i appear into the rosy picture. i love english books, the language. but what happens? sze min has an extensive vocabulary and can spell many words. but she can't pronounce them! most people out there can't spell but can pronounce and i happen to be the exact opposite. wHHHHHHHy????

sighs.

my predicament.

sighs.

2005-08-14T19:59:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

the dictionary!

haha. i just love the dictionary and the thesaurus. i know some of you wouldn't believe this but i used ( and still, if i have the time) to read the dictionary for an hour or so.

yups, so when i decided to check up meanings for a few words i have been coming across. i was delayed as usual by the array of new and interesting words that ASSAULTED me while i was idly fipping through that thick Longman dictionary.. haha, i was checking up two words actually.

which are:
Incumbent
(which has been repeatedly appearing on ST because of the Presidential Elections.. which is by the way quite disheartening. i'll talk about that later. i digress :P)

and

Pleonastic
(Laura's blog url)

hehe. the meaning for incumbent is somewhat like the person presently holding the official position of e.g. President of S'pore. ( yah, i know you clever people are probably laughing at the ignorant me now. when i first came across incumbent, i thought ST was trying to insult President Nathan. cos incumbent sounded somewhat like cumbersome :P tsk tsk language and their similarities....)

the meaning for pleonastic or pleonasm is the usage of too many words/ adjectives to descride something. in short, OVERKILL. haha, sounds like Laura and her flowery, super complicated and confusing usage of english language which never fails to confound and confuse me :) seriously, laura is the personification of pleonastic ( a compliment. i have great respect for people with bombastic vocab. they knock me off my soles :P)

welll, i also came across a bundleful of interesting words to add on ..

example;

incubus (man who has sexual relations with many woman), propitiate(trying to please someone who harbours nagative feelings towards you), prosy (boring style of writing) and ossify (to root a concept firmly into place; eg. hardliners in USSR)

but the one i like best is proselytise (which is to persuade someone to join an organisation; religious or political)

haha, i feel like such a proselyte, someone who is persuaded to join :)

alright, on a more serious note

the lack of the presidential elections is rather a let-down. i was looking forward for the holiday okay? haha. actually, i think s'pore will benefit from a more compeitive political armosphere. i mean best man wins right? i have no qualms that if there was an election, incumbent (grins) President Nathan will probably win a secong term but it is still good to have a little compeition. i mean the political scene is a little too tame, wouldn't you say? especially after i read the sunday times headliner news today. haha. the correspondent had wrote.... " in the past 3 presidential elections. there have been no compeition for 2 as opponents were not awarded the certificate of elgilibility thus allowing the government-endorsed candidate to stand with no compeition." that's the gist of it anyway.

how are other nations going to view s'pore when we still have such a tame political scene where the government selects candidates and virtually secures a place. not that it is bad or i'm complaining. i must admit our government has done a good job this past 40 years. however if we are to remain like that...

the key question is WHEN and not how will we mature and progress as a nation???

i wonder....

2005-08-13T22:40:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

My Internet Explorer homepage is set to the BBC. I just happened to open a new browser and forget where I was going to go through it, and lingered on the BBC website long enough to read the bar where they post sentences summarizing the latest news, as if the latest news could be summarized in one sentence.

But this one said: "Latest: Suspect in Daniel Pearl's murder case remanded in custody by Pakistan court."

Before it could blink away and be replaced by another one-liner, I clicked it. I can't believe I forgot the title, but Steph lent me a book last year written by Mariane Pearl, Daniel Pearl's wife, accounting for the entire horrific experience she endured, all while being pregnant, in Karachi in 2002, when her husband was abducted and killed. I don't remember the details anymore but she met many people along the way, natives who would give anything to help, came to be so dedicated to the cause of finding Danny Pearl alive and return him to his wife.

It was just like any other article, that another man had been arrested alongside others, some of which face life imprisonment and one who faces the death sentence, who is appealing for a lighter sentence. The first thought that popped up in my head was: why is the justice system so draggy? Crime happens in an instant and justice takes eons to be fulfilled.

Then I finished reading the article and was about to click "Back" when I saw the pop-up box that said "Links to more South Asia Stories". So I did, and a whole barrage of headlines popped up. They ranged from "Peace fears as Sri Lanka mourns" to "Discus thrower fails drug test," from "Increased Violence in Afghanistan" to "Nepal Rebels 'Killed' In Clashes". The titles should have shocked me: they all spoke of death, destruction, grief, mourning... But it was like reading another headline like "Angelina Moves In With Brad". I came back to it mourning for myself, my lack of understanding and lack of the capacity to once again feel anguished at the state the world is in.

But look at this: headlines get posted up in a small pop-up box on an article out of the hundreds on the BBC website. As the days go past they get pushed further and further into the Archives, into the history on my Internet Explorer. Tomorrow, am I going to remember this feeling I've gotten from reading about a further development in the Daniel Pearl case? Would I have cared if it were anyone else I hadn't read about before in a book his wife published? I think the answer would have been no, I wouldn't have cared. Not for anything in the world, I would just have gone on to church tomorrow not realising how lucky I am to be alive and free enough to go to church.

Today I've once again renewed my ambition of becoming a journalist. Not just because of Danny Pearl: his experience should actually throw me off this dream because he died for his job. But no, I want to become a journalist to tell the world what they need to know, to shake them from their oblivion and let them into the anguish, so that others don't live the self-satisfied life I find myself caught in now. I don't ever want to read a headline without feeling anything again.

also on joynandyce.blogspot.com

2005-08-13T13:16:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Bus Passengers

Wipe the sleep from their half-open eyes.
Heat of the night long gone,
Replaced by a rainy July morning.
Moisture seeps through the thin fabric of clothing.

Icy wind swipes cheeks of those waiting.
Frigid air, skin reddening.
Transparent crystals shower upon them;
Splatters on their dropping eyelids.

The bus which screeches to a halt,
Awakens from their stupor.
Stumbling up its steps,
They board as usual.

It's 6.30am on Monday morning.

--------

2005-08-11T22:56:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

She awaits with baited breath,
The slip of paper that spells her fate.
Pespiration, in beads, roll down her face
Hot tears in her eyes threaten to escape.

The woman walks in
A stack of papers in her hands she holds
In slow and steady steps she treds
To the desk where she takes rest

One by one the names are called,
To her their significance was nought.
Nothing she responded to
Except her own name when being called.

Suddenly the magic word she hears!
Fear in her heart as she rose to her feet.
Moving forward in dreaded steps,
A distance that never seemed to end.

All eyes on her as she reached the table,
Taking the slip with shaky hands.
She looks at the words with mouth wide open,
But no sound escapes the gap.

Silence meant consent.

Something without a title. Would like some suggestions for the title. And I made some changes to the other poem so do take a look at it yea? (:

2005-08-11T22:50:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

willy wonka
the sound the factory makes
came from the sound my cage made
the braces, how they stung every tooth
till every nibbler yearned to break loose.

daddy, papa, whatever the name
no chocolates or sweets, that was his claim
the cage reached in to pull out a smile
a smile i wore, bitter all the while.

i went, then papa was gone
now all i hear are the oompa loompas' songs
no more the rattling of my brace
everyday i fly in the chocolate race.

oh but daddy, can you not see
what your cage has done to me?
speak with the world, i cannot
they think with insanity, i am wrought.

cards i rely on, pranks i delight in
i am now drawn and white, gone quite thin
and i wear the gloves like you always do
i think we'll never let anybody through.

2005-08-11T16:35:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Thoughts

Messy and torn at the seams,
Blackened with soot.
Yet rub it a little
To see shine beneath grime
Suddenly a mesmerizing find!

Like unraveling yarn
Or undone spider webs
A long winding process
Tedious and challenging
But quite fun!

Might be an original
Could be a repeated idea
Nonetheless the place where
Footsteps have trodden
Still remains much to be uncovered

Twisting, turning, twirling
Fear not the mazes
Nor the passing time
The mysteries of the mind
Rarely reveals its master.

--------------

well, i've to dash to tuition in 5 minutes.. just squeezing a short one here. been reading madeleine l' engle 's 'A Ring of Endless Light' for the umpteen time. it's really great. i like the references to science and god..weird though for a agnostic person like me :)

talking about science and god, i thought i'll just add this tiny (not so tiny) comment. i think scientology is ______ (anything negative).. in my case b*llshit?

haha. sorry to all scientologists out there. but seriously you believe in e-meters and earth sprouted from aliens and .....
i mean i'm not as megalomanic to think that only living organisms/humans/ organisms capable of individual thought only exists on the Earth.

however puleeeeese! this cult religion originated from a sci-fi writer..hmms, the provenance is already questionable.(aren't social studies students of singapore agreeing with me?!)

i'll avoid the topic of your newsworthy endorsement a.k.a tom cruise...

well, really got to go!

ciAo!

2005-08-10T10:30:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Just some random thoughts. Yesterday, after trying unsuccessfully to do a split, I totally agree with what Sze said: To love ballet is to love exquisite pain.
Anyway just a random poem.

Perfect Daughter
I'm not your perfect daughter
I can't be the things you want me to be
I can't get great results in school
But I'm trying hard can't you see?

I'm not your perfect daughter
I can't play piano like you want me to
But oh mummy won't you look at me
There're many other things that I can do

I'm not your perfect daughter
Nothing but shame I've brought you, you say
Despite all the pain I'm going through
It's your love I wait for each day

I'm not your perfect daughter
I can't be anymore
The doctor said something's wrong with me
Mummy do you still love me?

I'm not your perfect daughter
But why did you give me away?
Put me in a home for people like me
Mummy will you come everyday?

I'm not your perfect daughter
It's been 2 months since I last saw you
This pain is killing me
I think I'm dying soon

I'm not your perfect daughter,
Mummy can't I see you one last time?
The doctor said my days are numbered,
Now I know how it's like.

I'm now your perfect daughter!
God made me so
I don't look funny anymore
And I can play piano

But mummy you can't see me
Though I can see you
Now I know how much you love me
You didn't even cry at my funeral.

Pretty morbid stuff I must say. In case you guys didn't know, it's written in the perspective of a girl who has down syndrome. Makes sense? Hah. It may not be as good as Sze's but ah, give me your comments!(:

2005-08-08T17:21:00.000+08:00

( btw, this are some pics from the movie..)

thinking of....

this letter I happened to glimpse upon while surfing for a korean movie i like. just some 'love' for thought..

the movie's really sad. the girl gets alzehemier disease and runs away to spare her husband the burden ( partly also because she finds her memory elasping and soon she's calling him her ex-boyfriend 's name)

yeps this is the letter, she writes to him before she leaves...

(Sorry! I just couldn't resist. Haha . this is not the junk you usually see here..)

-----

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I never meant to break your heart.
God, what have i done?
Are you crying now?
I didn't want to see you crying or in pain.
I wanted to make you happy.
But all I've done is put you in agony.
Chul-soo! Oh my love Chul-soo.
Don't get me wrong.
I only love you and only you.
I only think of you.
I only remember you.
How badly do i wish to show you my heart!
Is there any way i can do that while my memory remains?
Oh, my heart races.
I, kim su-jin love you choi chul-soo, only.
Don't want to forget that.
And i must not.
Can you see that?
Can you feel my heart?
I'm afraid my just returned memory will leave me again.
before i tell you everything i have to say.
I love you.
And i'm sorry.
I met you because i was forgetful.
I'm leaving you because i'm forgetful.
You were the best thing that ever happened to me.
How thankful i am to god for having sent you as gift to me.
I don't have to remember you.
You're a part of me.
I smile, laugh and smell like you do.
I might forget you,
But nothing can drive you out of my body.
Although you've never told me you loved me.
I know deep in my heart that you love me.
Forgive me for leaving you.

------

just for info, the movie is 'A moment to remember'

2005-08-06T16:54:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

The last day of his life

Dawn;
The last orange orb he'd ever see
Raises majestically above the horizon
The birds signal another day
He sleeps on contentedly

Morning;
He wakes up,
Cursing while he brushes his teeth.
His alarm clock reads, "9.00am"
He is late for work

Noon;
Everyone has gone for lunch
But he has a proposal to submit
A take-away will do
He continues typing furiously

Afternoon;
The take-away lies on his desk
Cold and uneaten
He is inside his boss's office,
Receiving another scolding

Evening;
He remembers the appointment with his girlfriend
But quickly cancels it
The computer hums impatiently.
The proposal is waiting.

Night;
His eyes are blood shot
But the work is done.
He calls home,
He wants dinner

12 Midnight;
Outside his house,
a old lady totters across the road
He observes a car speeding her way
He leaps forward, pushing her aside.

12.01;
He lies in a pool of his own blood
A smile etched on his lips
The day is gone
But he has saved his mother's life

2005-08-05T17:07:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

the long weekend ahead...

So I'm sitting here, lazing around, munching jam sandwiches from marks & spencers contentedly while typing this.

Aren't you jealous?

I had the political rally thing today for english.. Campaigning to for be the party representing Farrer Road Constituency in the Parliament. Really quite fun when my class got into the mood. You could hear all the 'Boos' and 'Woos'. Anyway, I find myself interested in politics. Weird but true. In fact, I never had a good impression about politics. Just as it is able to create a first-class country, it is just or even more likely to ruin a country. I always thought that politicians were cunning, conniving characters. Of course, they are the good ones too, serving the nation. Yet I usually like to think the worst of anything especially occupations.

Like Lynette (Lim) said today before her party was about to go up and 'bribe' everyone with Mentos candy.

" An election is never an election without bribery."

I guffawed when I heard that. Trust her to come up with something like that. Anyway, my party shouted 'Killer Litter' when she started throwing the candy around. :)

If you want to know more about politics, in particular the British Parliament, more commonly known as the House of Commons, I'll recommend Jeffery Archer's book, The First Among Equals( if i'm not wrong) it's lengthy but nonetheless wonderfully written :)

Lastly, I'll just like to share this few sentences which was part of my speech ( Yes, I was put up by my group to do it :( )

" Let dotmocracy ring from the tops of Mount Faber, let the animals at mandai zoo roar Dotmocracy. Let the birds at Jurong bird park whistle to Dotmocracy..."

You get the hang of it :)

2005-08-03T22:42:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

This comes from someone who's hurt. I've been abandoned physically and emotionally so many times because someone choose their male counterpart over me. So far i can think of three: three too many. Plans with me hold no water when the Significant Other decides another plan for the same day. It is without question the "me" part of the plan that will be put back on the shelf, the Jiahui part of the day that will be rescheduled.

What kind of hold do men have over women to make them ditch their whole world to suit the former's? What kind of relationship can a man and a woman have if it means snapping the bonds with all the other Jiahuis in their lives? What good is it to have a man who loves you if you cannot keep the friend who was there before him?

I've been treated like the third wheel far too many times. I thought I could handle it, adopt a sacrificial stance where I would give and give and expect nothing in return. Now all I expect is scorn: scorn at how the best friend can't let go because her best friend's got a boyfriend now. That scorn, it can't even begin to describe how I feel. Don't pretened I'm the delusional, petty one here - because I'm not the one, you are.

Them Tears

She can't cry
She's too proud
To let the
Tears roll down
Her dry cheeks.

She's grown
Unable
Unwilling
To even
Show she needs

Them tears.

She says, "I can't take your sadness tonight."

2005-08-03T18:13:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

friendship..

what's friendship?

is it the number of years you spent together? the multitude of things you have done together? or even the number of squabbles you had?

can friendship be measured?

is there truly such a thing as best friend, good friend, friend, 'hello-goodbye' friend?

in my case, i can't really describe friendship to you, because i'm learning myself, falling down at times and steadying myself at others. i find myself sharing a different relationship with every single one of my friends. we talk about entirely unrelated things. some about the latest gossip, movies,books. the others about the current affairs, religion, thoughts. superficial or not, they are all important to me. i can't deny the fact that some friendships are indeed more cherished and precious to me, the ones that not only have good memories but bittersweet ones as well.

the astonishing thing i realised is, if you have true friends; time, distance, difference in opinion or thought will cease to matter. a true friend is not just a physical being to accompany you, to please your whims, to keep you from loneliness. if you have a true friend, you would not worry about not keeping in contact for a long time or forgetting each other, because deep down inside you both know that you are always there for each other. and the day you finally meet, despite the changes in your appearance and character, your friendship will still continue as before; as if there never was a parting.

thank you all my friends for teaching about the truth of friendship...

2005-07-31T15:29:00.000+08:00

Thinking of....

withdrawal symptoms.

AAAS! I went to watch the ballet concert (shades of dance) put up by my previous ballet academy and gazed enviously at those fouettes, pirouettes, pique (posse) turns and arabesques...

I'm now regretful that i chose to quit temporarily.. (do you know if I had waited 2 more weeks. I would have got my pointes! :/) talk about lousy timing. Now I'll have so much catching up to do when I go back after the o's..

stiff bones, inflexible hamstrings etc. I wouldn't be surprised if I got demoted. Just told my mum that I'll probably launch into a 'ballet-crazy' period right after the o's, attending lots of extra lessons and doing lots of stretching. The main thing is I got to get my splits back. Which is going to be inevitably hard and arduous... :(

To love ballet is to love its exquisite pain...

2005-07-30T22:22:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

how Jiahui shall stay out of this.

(amidst protests) Sorry lah, I've just lost my gift of the gab! I'll leave you two to fight it out!

2005-07-29T18:40:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

liz, is there such a thing as too little racial discrimination..

there shouldn't be racial discrimination at all and on your point of s'pore youngsters taking racial harmony for granted...i see your point, however i beg to differ. we should be able to make racist jokes without the risk of offending others, unless race is indeed a segregating factor in the society ---which it should not be in the first place.

telling a racist joke should be somewhat like telling a normal joke where we make fun of various professions, nationalities and idiosyncratic aspects of others character or physical appearance. likewise, there must be moderation. yet there should not a great fuss made if one indeed regards race(in a more crudely put way the skin colour of others) as a mere appearance and in no way contributing to divison in the society.

perhaps telling racist jokes right in front of a particular member of that race/skin tone might be overdoing it (don't say i didn't warn, if you get a black eye, don't find me!) but let's jus put it in this way, if people can openly crack 'lawyers being the biggest crooks and liars' in the vicinity of lawyers. i don't see why our society cannot gradually progress to such a situation where skin colour hardly matters.

i've been told i'm a little too idealistic.

you know the typical "if only the world sees everyone as humans and nothing else"

singapore's still a relatively young nation thus i too feel it might take a few more decades to reach such a open-minded and liberal society. racial and religious differences are all too of often exploited by society's troublemakers and no nation would ever want to risk such a possibility of it happening...

therefore i can only hope...

lastly, just a quick question to ask:

" Will you feel more at ease with your Chinese/Indian/Malay/Eurasian neighbour in your HDB block or with a

(if you are Chinese) a 18th century girl with bounded feet
(if you are Indian) a 18th century girl still bounded by the caste system
(if you are Malay) a 18th century girl who gets married at 15
(if you are Eurasian) a 18th century girl with no education

actually it's all about the same...

my choice is rather obvious but

which do you chose?

2005-07-27T22:56:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Today Suhana played to us some excerpts from Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech. In case you don't know what it is bozos, it's a speech about racism. It was a speech about how in America, even though the Declaration of Independence was signed, Negros were still discriminated against. Sometimes I do wonder to myself, is there too little racial discrimination in Singapore? Such that students and young people are taking it for granted?

I think it's the fact that the young in Singapore are taking the so called racial harmony we have now for granted thus resulting in the telling to stupid racially demeaning jokes and making other races(espcially those with dark skin) the butt of jokes.

What if one day, racial riots broke out once again in Singapore? Would it be like the last time? Or would it be worse. Because evidently, we haven't learnt our lesson from the last racial riots. And it wasn't even because of discrimination that the riots started. That shows clearly how easily conflict can be started.

But Singaporeans being themselves, would never think another racial riot happening is remotely possible. So till that time comes, indian jokes anyone? ;)

2005-07-27T20:45:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Fragments of Me (my love for nature, its seasons and some others...)

Leaf
Shimmer, shine, sparkle
Greenish tinge glistening on white tile.
Reams of sunrays poking through,
Translucent with delicate patterns.
As if reflecting my reverie...

Melancholy

Raindrops splashing down the windowpane
I let my breath mist over
And lifted a finger to
Make a little indelible mark
I sighed.
Leaving that rainy sight
With tears in my eyes

Night

Hovering near the little firefly,
A dot in the inky darkness.
Dipping between each other,
Creating a dance of light.
Lake’s waters reflecting.

Seasons

Spring;
Tea plantations spotted with green-blue hues
Summer;
Grass-green woods wet in the sudden rain spell
Autumn;
Woods tinged with red and yellow.
Winter;
Solitary islands covered in pure white snow

Her

Find her at the lily pond,
Beyond those pinks and whites.
There she lay in luminance,
Glowing in its murky depths.
Between her fingers,
She had clasped a rose,
Rather out of place among the reeds.
Resting her form on its sandy bottom,
As her glassy eyes mirrored the yellow orb high above.

Rain

Drenched by drizzle,sloshing slipper.
Leaned against lamp post,
Tear trickles
restful raindrops
immiscibly mixed.
No longer discernable

The Chocoholic Speaks…

Darkish brown
Bittersweet
Tantalized my taste buds
Peaked my addiction
Seduced me utterly
Robbed me of my money
It’s love in itself
It is absolute indulgence

How can such an innocent-looking
Block of substance cause me
So much exhilaration?

Autumn’s Coming

Rustling leaves crunch beneath footsteps
Erratic gusts of wind replace the warm muggy air

Cold seeps through thread-bare cardigan
A glimpse of setting sun melting into the horizon

Rays cast a devilish orangey hue
As if anger and rage smothered earth’s surface

Then,
A solitary yellow crinkled flower petal
Gracefully falls
Gliding to make ---
A dozen beautiful arcs
Finally landing on the sheen of water

The azure waves mirrored
Their reflections

She bends down
To scoop the shimmering liquid
To drink them hungrily
Refreshing sensations down
Her parched dry throat

Drops splashed;
Forming tiny rivulets of crystals
Sliding down those cheeks

She raised her head again
Now oddly comforted
By the pinkish glow surrounding her

She stands up
To run home
Her once sluggish steps
Replaced by the sprint of an athlete

Her troubles momentarily forgotten;
It was autumn

Song of Nature

Imagine a flower
Serenading to the gentle breeze
One among the dozens
A tiny insignificant poppy amidst the lush greenery
Not so far away lies a creek
With its streams of turquoise ribbons
Gradually merging to form a bluish serpent

It snakes its way through
The other poppy-filled fields
Finally melting into the giant ocean

Current, wave, surf
Lapping over each other
At times ravenously chewing the worn out shores
Or just placidly swishing by the leaping dolphins

Along with the rhythm of the wind
Poppies dance
Trees sway
Water flows
Dolphins triumph
Under the golden rays of the sun

All in unison
--- A perfectly synchronized movement
It is whole
They are one

2005-07-25T17:58:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

what's so threatening uh??
hehe, anyway just for the record i like jia's essay too.
much more seriuos thoughtful and coming-of-age.
unlike mine obviously :0

today was .....
the regular monday
except for singspiration. i am really sorry to say this but if such singspiration continues i think i'll find me strangling myself to end my misery. let's just put it this way. i already have a mild headache and blocked nose. coupled together with the blaring sound system and some off-key singing (which can't really be classified as singing since it's using the "speaking" voice) wouldn't that aggravate the entire situation. and trust me, i wasn't the one cringing...

nevetheless i know i shouldn't be complaining since this worship is done out of an act of love, praise..etc. but is that any way to start a monday morning!?! maybe it's the school's ploy to wake us up from slumber ....or more likely worsen the monday blues :(

haha, i even found myself whispering at the ending prayer.. where it's suppose to go.. "thank you lord for the worship" and my version goes :" thank you lord -insert- for ending-close insert- the worship..

okay now for some random 'poet'ing :)

To Remember

Like faded sepia leaves
Shards of glass-fragment memories
Floating wisps of feathery clouds
A tailing sentence; unfinished
Faint imprints of your shoes
Mere footnotes of life..

2005-07-24T22:36:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

I've been threatened. So here's my counterpart to Szemin's. (I do love it, anyway.)

The Most Important Lesson I Ever Learned

Most children do not treat their parents as confidantes. Most children feel that their parents compartmentalize them, frame them into little boxes that are under their jurisdiction and control. Parents tend to exert their perception of their child onto them, and typify them as mischievous, quiet, manipulative, or shy. What they do not realize is that their children change very much under their very eyes, and they fail to notice. They fail to change their perception accordingly.

I was one such child, misinterpreted and misread. I had always been outgoing and playful, but my parents took that to mean that I would not be serious about my studies and concluded that external pressure would have to be exerted. What they did not realize was that they were confining me into a comprehensible little box: one that had to be leashed and sat upon. They never bothered to notice that my attitude to one of being academically conscientious, paying attention in class, never asking for help and always choosing to rough it out on my own. Despite this new attitude, my grades were slow in catching up, and they misled my parents to believe, all the more, that I was being lazy, slothful, even, and that I would never change. Their assumption hurt me, and when hurt, pride brewed.

Instead of trying to make them understand, I became reserved, independent, and removed. Their attitude towards me changed my attitude towards them. Since they never sought to see who I really was, then I would not give them the chance. So while my siblings were affiliative and nearly sticky to my parents, I would go to my room and shut my door, savoring my solitude. Most of all, it was pride that got in my way, pride that built up a barrier between my parents and I, and a wall that I would not muster the effort to break down.

However, I did not realize that a hole was growing in me. I had rid myself of their constant nagging and cajoling by shutting the door on them, but what had I gained? Nights alone in my room shedding tears over a failed grade, melancholic music playing to sing me to sleep... Was I any happier?

At this point in time I took up a position as a group leader in my church's Kids Fun Camp, KFC for short. I had always loved kids and felt an uncanny bond with them. Apparently they could find a connection with me, too, and as the camp progressed I found myself surrounded by children simply bursting with joy and exuberance, whether in showing me their work of art or persuading me to play a game of catch with them.

My point of revelation arrived on the second night. At midnight I did a routine check with the boys in their dorm for any signs of trouble. Nothing seemed amiss until I heard a sniffling noise in a corner. Going closer, I realized that my group member, six-year-old Samuel, was sobbing into his sleeping bag. His sobs went in through my ears and straight to my heart. When he sensed my presence, he climbed out of his sleeping bag and flung himself into my arms, wailing openly now. Quickly I brought him to my own dorm so he would not disturb the rest of the sleeping boys. Tenderly, I asked him what was wrong, but he would not answer and continued crying, burying his face in the front of my sweater.

I held him for a long time, humming a lullaby, sensing that he was homesick, and perhaps missing his mother, allowing me to take on the maternal figure temporarily. That was when revelation glided into my mind. Samuel had shown such vulnerability, such naked dependence, the utter need for someone else to chase the loneliness away, and he was not ashamed to let his need be filled by someone. He had the humble factor I was lacking: the ability to take comfort when it was needed, instead of spending the night crying alone, as if braving it on his own would solve the problem. Instead, he chose to open his heart for someone else to mend it.

Moreover, the heartbreak I had felt upon hearing his sobs, the desire I was filled with to comfort him and eradicate his fears, were from pure maternal instinct. Had I ever felt that my mother was unfeeling? I was wrong. If I could feel that way for Samuel, what more my mother for me over the growing distance between us, and the way I closed my door in her face? Finally I understood why I felt such affinity with children: I wanted to be like them, unafraid, unashamed in their utter dependence on their parents.

Samuel eventually fell asleep and I tucked him back into his sleeping bag. Returning to my dorm, I stood by the window gazing out into the night, thinking. I knew this would be the greatest lesson I could learn, for myself, for my parents, as well as for the generations to come after me. My parents were not foreigners. They were my one and only set of parents, the ones who had given me life, and there was no need, no reason to be ashamed of being needy or affiliative towards them. Their touch was not repulsive, their words not poison. The generation gap would always be present, but that would be bridge: by communication, by interdependency, and by what Samuel had shown me: humility.

2005-07-24T17:25:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

MY PARADISE

I feel like flying to Greece.
To Santorini Island where the skies are blue
And the clouds are white
Where the sea is green and the air is fresh
Where the white washed sprightly painted alcoves
Hang above the craggy cliffs of Santorini Island
Where there's peace and bliss
And I can lie face up to the sun
And welcome the windy breeze
Let go all the cares of the world
How I wish...

*the picture on top is a view of santorini island

2005-07-23T10:48:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Umbrella child

Sheltered, cosseted, protected.
Under the neon yellow umbrella,
Shielded from stinging rain,
Shunned from those threatening streaks of lightning
Cloistered - seems like an eternity.

Life's never easy.
Rainstorms never end.
Lightning may not cease.
Without that sturdy yellow companion,
Survival is the question.

So don't throw it away
And exchange it for those modern lightweight ones.
It has seen you through your childhood;
Blue skies and thunder
It was your pillar once upon a time.

As the years gradually slip by,
Its canvas grows worn and weary.
Something you don’t want to be seen with.
A pitiful benefactor,
Next to your posh Guccis

Then it was left all alone
Forgotten in a corner
Gathering mothballs on its once-shiny surface
No longer needed or of use
It was abandoned.

sighs. i have so much homework (imagine my hands outstretched..)

-english newsweek
-bio pract w/s
-bio papers to mark
-chem peer tutoring w/s
-history sbq w/s
-social studies seq w/s
-2 amath papers
-a history test to study for

all in two days and what am i doing now?! typing here. sigh.

well better stop procastinating and get to work.

ciao

2005-07-21T22:39:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Hey Sze :)
Just a little something: next time you copy and paste from Word, you have to change all the apostrophes and inverted commas, because somehow Blogger interprets them into that funny combination of symbols. I did the previous one for you.

Anyway great job on the essay!

2005-07-21T20:07:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

the most important lesson of my life.. haha.. yeah right! at the very least an important lesson of my life .. :)

Read on.. :)

"The time given to you was more than sufficient! And this is all you can show me?" the teacher screeched angrily. Surreptiously, I stole a glance at the white donation card clutched between my trembling fingers.

At the top right hand corner, it was printed in capital letters as if shouting out my crime for the world to see.

"TOTAL AMOUNT COLLECTED: SIX DOLLARS ONLY."

That was reason behind the hurling lecture I was now painfully receiving.

The teacher refused to believe I had only managed to muster a measly six dollars for our school's month long donation drive. Truthfully speaking, it was entirely my fault. Studying, attending two camps and the bi-annual shopping spree with my mother had robbed me of those four weeks. It was the last minute discovery of a white donation card innocently poking out of my perpetually messy folder that sent me into frenzy.

Even so it was too late, my neighbours' donation coupled together with the rest of my middling savings made up little. I had submitted my card and the money with great apprehension.

Thus I took the brunt of that whooping lecture. Resigned to my fate, I patiently listened to her incessant ranting, giving monosyllabic replies at appropriate junctures. Then like an unexpected flash of lightening on a stuffy afternoon, her first thunderbolt struck.

"You know, this really reflects on your love for our school," the teacher snapped testily while shooting me a dirty look.

Stunned, I raised up my head to meet her accusing glare. My docile nods of agreement ceased.

Oblivious to my incredulity, she rambled on to deliver the bombshell. She questioned reproachfully, "After all the school has done for you, is this is how you show your gratitude?"

Those words buzzed in my mind like a swarm of angry hornets. My head was throbbing; my eyes ablaze and slowly my limp fingers clenched together forming a tight fist of fury.

Immediately a hurricane of thoughts swept through my mind.

"She can’t be right!" an indignant voice shouted.

"Love cannot be measured by money." another proclaimed self-righteously.

"She’s just an old hag sprouting nonsense. Pay no heed!" a reedy voice piped.

"Put her down. Tell her how narrow minded she is. Tell her she is wrong!" all three chorused simultaneously. My mouth opened a fraction, ready to launch into a tirade. I was determined to redeem myself.

Then a gentle voice whispered, "There is truth in what she says, you know. Remember the times you actually glimpsed that donation card but pretended you didn't see? Those times you were momentarily reminded of your commitment but decided to leave it till tomorrow? Your mother nagged you to get it done but wasn't her advice brushed aside by your excuses?"

Memories flooded my mind and I was left with no choice but to acknowledge this was not caused by a mere problem of forgetfulness.

"It makes sense, doesn't it? Of course, not to bothering to solicit for the donations doesn't necessarily mean you don't love your school but doesn't it reflect on your attitude towards helping the school?" it urged, drowning the incoherent yells of disapproval from the its disgruntled companions.

I never got to defend myself from her accusations. The raging flames had been downed by pearly tears prickling my eyelashes. I was no longer the defiant lass who wanted to correct her teacher's blinkered assumptions. My head was now lowered and I continued listening.

Later on, this all too familiar phrase came back to me. Remember our mothers, fathers, teachers and even friends saying this in the most patronizing and irritating way?

"Don't be rash. Think before you act."

Well, think again!

Like the majority of people who seldom heed advice in the form of pretentious sounding proverbs, I never took those words of caution seriously before. But now I can finally understand and appreciate its meaning.

If I had argued and even won my teacher that fateful afternoon, I would have missed out on knowing more about myself. By keeping mum and recognizing my failings, I got a far better deal than I had hoped for. Not only did I managed to get rid of those faults, but I have also progressed as a person---both mentally and emotionally.

As for that teacher whom I remain grateful to till this day, I still feel she got lucky with me. However, she might not the next time around......

If she does not think before she speaks.

2005-07-14T20:13:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Frustration.

Believe it or not, frustration has allowed me to enjoy the pleasure of possessing an insanely loud voice. I should go measure it by decibels. I think I'll hit some mega scale. But I am appreciative of my loud voices and loud voices in general. It gets people to listen to me when they can't be bothered to respond to my other means.

The point is, I hollered at my class because they were just being spoilt brats. I would entirely love to say more but in case anyone from my class is reading this, I better spare a thought for sensitivity and not say anything. It's not everyone. All of them have their good points. I do too. And everyone has their bad points. I hold them in great abundance.

People just don't like to listen. They'd rather others listen, others hear, others give them attention. It's beyond their ability listen to others. We always want the last say. But if everyone talks and nobody listens, who's going to hear anything someone else has to say?

And another thing: there's something wrong about being a solitary figure nowadays. Girls in particular. People cannot be seen, cannot tolerate, cannot bear to be alone going somewhere, can't be seen alone anywhere. I studied alone at the study area for over two hours today, and I'm proud to say I got a lot of work done. Alone. What's wrong with being alone? Why do you see everyone wandering around aimlessly in groups, trying to be right in the centre?

You answer me that. I'm tired of trying to find out.

2005-07-07T17:16:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

nothing much..

my mind is in a comfortable state of blankness.
a short-lived, nevertheless much-appreciated lull :)

i wanted to be cooperative, responsible, attentive.

but the school just DOES not want me to do so..

we are supposed to do this online survey for the school by today. so i decided to be nice and listen to the school authorities for once regarding IT stuff....

however if you went to this website saying,

"THIS SURVEY HAS 314 QUESTIONS. PRESS START TO BEGIN."

will you seriously press 'start'?

i don't know about the time you can leisurely afford to waste on that 'thing'.

but i obviously shut the window and pretended that i didn't even remember.. haha. this is what happens when the adminstration is crapped up. how do you expect girls who have been bogged down by tons of homework given by you to complete this survey during schooldays. a 314 question survey! craziness! what's the world coming to? !?

anyhow, getting back to the usual stuff.

i had my chinese o level orals on tuesday! yak yak yak. heard the examiners were from nygh. one was nice. smiled and added a complicated sounding chinese idiom for me when i was at a loss for words.

i must tell you it was really funny. cos i paused for a second and she went," bleah boo bleah baa?"( by the way, i forgot the idiom she used) and i was like, "Uuh?". she repeated again, i was thinking:

maybe she's tricking me. to see whether i can that idiom cos she is using it wrongly.-------- nope. this is an exam! SZE MIN! the teacher is so sleepy and tired why in pete's sake would she want to trick you!!??!!

haha. my ever-suspicious nature was overrided by logic again. but truthfully, the teachers were evidently weary. one was yawning and snuggling on her sweater and the one was just stoned. the blank stare and stern, expressionless face. thankfully the sleepy one smiled :)

well that's all for now. you might not be hearing from jia any time soon cos it seems that her computer is spoiled.

ciao!

2005-07-03T16:19:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Szeming blogged.

Oh my.

Szemin blogged during school days.

The world is really coming to an end.

Even more so because Chong Jiahui is on the prizewinners' list.

The world is really, really coming to an end.

Haha. So dramatic. Thanks for being happy for me, Sze, and thanks for telling me in the first place. I would never have bothered to go and check in the first place. It's always you up on that list, never me.

Today I went back to being the primary 6 girl I was. My sister and I visited my old church for its 18th anniversary and baptism service. We witnessed a lot of our childhood friends getting baptised and caught up with a lot of other adults who hadn't seen us for about five years now. But I suddenly thought, isn't this weird? It felt like a lapse in time. I felt like I couldn't place who I was, couldn't reconcile the now-sixteen year old I am with the then-twelve year old I was who belonged to this place (in Sembawang, if you must know). And even stranger, even though I could clearly remember growing up with these friends and their parents, I couldn't reconcile who they were and who I was to the kids we were back then. What kind of truth is in that?

And furthermore, I realize how shadowed second-borns are. Even though my sister and I are clearly different, clearly individuals, people tend to think to talk to her would be better than to talk to me first - just because she's older. It comes to a point where greetings sing this kind of tune: "Seehwei! ... and Jiahui!" I've become an afterthought. Apparently it's an unspoken rule that you should always talk to the first-born because the first-born knows better. Is that right?

2005-07-01T21:27:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

achievements..specifically Jia's achievement, namely the school's Kilgour-Holloway Busary Award. When i saw her name and proceeded to tell her the good news, she combusted in joy.haha, not literally but somewhat as she dragged me to go and clarify with her. Really happy for her :)

Congrats, Jia! ( and remember to read organic chemistry for revision :P)

A little on friendships... sad but true.. read on

‘Friend’- ly Perspective

Friendship’s like a dandelion,
A breeze gently sways it.
Whoosh!
Lo and behold it’s gone.
Blown into oblivion,
Far and beyond.

I might seem like a cynic,
But trust me it’s true.
The days we used to talk about MTV and boys are superficial
- Mere bubblegum balloons.
With a sharp prick of Sleeping Beauty’s spindly needle,
Probably hinting the impending SATs.
It wouldn’t be much of a matter to forget me once and again.

Usually I’m abandoned during the eve of exams,
Left alone an waiting till you aced them all.
Sometimes I pause to consider,
Whether it’s worth it all?
To be thrown aside like a discarded doll,
When something more ‘IMPORTANT’ comes along.

Pity, I guess that’s just life.
Who asked me to be a friend of yours?

that applied to me a few years back... thankfully not now. :)

for those out there still searching for your true friends...

Trust when you believe
Help when you can
Diplomacy is the first step.
Definitely no hypocrisy.
Show your self
- impatient, hot tempered, blur?
Everyone has their faults
Most of all,
Don't lie.
Not to them
And under no circumstances,
YOURSELF

And remember,
Don't feel inferior
Sometimes they do too..

2005-06-15T11:18:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Singing

The feeling of singing
Is one of exultation.
Like an angel soaring
Past the starry sky above.

The feeling of singing
Is beyond comprehension
It can soften the resolve of,
Even the most hardened.

The feeling of singing
Brings about contentment.
The raging turmoil in each heart
Gradually quietens

The feeling of singing
Is extremely healing.
By filling up the empty gaps
We did feel so often.

The feeling of singing
Is beyond description.
For the joy will overwhelm us,
As the purity of each chord serenades us.

dedicated to smss choir '04/05

2005-06-13T08:28:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

puppet shredder

erasing the evidence of my rebellious nature
i'm crying as the image of joy and sadness
comes to naught, those tears.

there's a reason why these words
are penciled on paper
penciled marks can be erased
paper can be shredded.

i've given up the fight
i've succumbed to your conclusions
believed what you say about me is true
i've let myself becomes your puppet.

your fool.

2005-06-12T10:46:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Her

Find her at the lily pond,
Beyond those pinks and whites.
There she lay in luminance,
Glowing in its murky depths.
Between her fingers,
She had clasped a rose,
Rather out of place among the reeds.
Resting her form on its sandy bottom,
As her glassy eyes mirrored the yellow orb high above.

2005-06-09T16:10:00.000+08:00

thinking of....

Softly, softly creeping by,
Calm the ocean.
Lilting melody beckons me,
Making my head lift tenatively.

Evokes emotions I never thought was true.
Vortex of spinning notes,
gently wiping my tears.
See a trickle of rain,
on my forehead.

You appeared at my doorstep.
A hint of melancholy.
Stop giving me hope,
I can hear the fatality.

The song is ending.
It has reached it's peak.
Crescendo.
Why do you fail me?

this is just nonsense...
this is what happens if you try listening to a song and writing down whatever comes to your mind... was listening to 'Calme sur Ocean' from Les Choristes, the orchestra version.. and it ended up with my meaningless scribbles. nonetheless try that with a song you like.. it's fun..:)

this is another one.. but i forgot what song it was..

Gibberish lyrics,
Quavering heights.
Voice cuts through the babble,
Crystal, light and pure.
But tender like a reed,
it is drowned by gravelly mumbles.